It was a pretty decent day for the most part. My head was in a fog but I was able to work and get things done. My son Noah cooked as usual and Lucas cleaned up. Juan and I sat on the couch as I watched Tv. I watched “This is Us” and “New Amsterdam”. Juan always tells me not to watch hospital shows before going to bed. Well I have to say he was right. The main character of New Amsterdam was diagnosed with Cancer. He is the head of the hospital and just works, works, and works. Until finally he commits to his health for his wife. He had to get his wisdom teeth removed to start treatment so when he woke up he wrote a note to his wife. The note read, what if I can’t do this! It hit me like a brick! The tears rolled down my face! It was a realty check for me. I keep myself busy even walked again yesterday just to not allow that moment of fear in. Yes, I am strong in my faith and Know that God will guide and protect me. But that fear that I will always have to fight cancer is there. That I will be cured but what if it comes back again but stronger.
So I reached out to my dear friend Freddy who can always ground me! And he did! He said not to get ahead of myself and concur the cancer I have. He also suggested yoga. Then not minutes later another friend posted this.
“I wore this for an event and the reflection in the mirror slapped the shit out of me!!! I realized, this is me, an actual clown, in my career, my Life, as a mother, daughter … wow! how many of us hide behind a smile? For family, friends, bosses, customers , significant others…and we are crying, hurting, wishing, doubting, and full of fear inside?!? I’m honest enough to say I do!”
She hit the nail on the spot for that moment for me! Sometimes the strongest people are not strong they are just protecting everyone else! One thing I know for sure is that I will continue to rely on my faith, my family, and friends. To help pick me up when I need it and to give me the loving support in times of need! I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart! It takes a village as they say. Love you all!
I had to add this as it just came up on my daily verse….
Journey through My Cancer 
So you actually helped me today. I’ve been struggling personally and have begun going to a therapist. The one thing we are working on is my need to make everyone happy. The inherent desire to put that smile on my face, no matter what else is going on in my life, and put everyone else first. My therapist asked when all this started. I don’t remember being any other way. It began at a very young age. I won’t bore you with the details. But your smiling face in clown makeup brought back a memory that I’ve buried for many years. As a teenager, I was in a group called the Holy Fools. We went around to children’s hospitals and nursing homes bringing joy to others. Behind that makeup, I can honestly tell you I was the freest I had ever been or have been since. People don’t judge a clown nor have any expectations other than to be who they are in the moment. That realization was a huge break through for me.
Be yourself, in the moment, for all the world to see. You don’t owe anyone anything more or less.
Hugs my friend.
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