Courage Is not the absence of fear!

I had a really good session with my therapist yesterday. Shut out to Maribel from Seasons Counsling! Another example that God is with me. When I first was diagnosed I knew I needed to find a therapist and a high school friend Dan Marcone had posted that he had opened a new office. Who would guess that a high school friend from Pembroke Pines would open an office in Orlando 30 min from my home. Nevertheless, Maribel has been by my side through my journey and yesterday we touched upon my personality and learning to heal myself and put others second not first.

As I sat on couch I rested my head back. She knew I was exhausted as I had just left from getting my Leukine shot to prep from Monday’s double chemo. I told her how Thursday sucked and was a bad day. I worked and had to take a nap. I’m not a nap person but I needed it. I spent the rest of the night in bed and only got up to eat dinner. I was so weak. All I could think was it was all in my head! So the next day I woke up and drove to the Dr.s for my shot. They pulled a CBC and it explained everything. My counts were so low that they couldn’t believe I was walking let alone driving.

So I got my shot and off to my next appointment. Then back to work. I wasn’t sure when the shot would get me but this time I had the ibuprofen ready.

I had planned a weekend stay cation at the Wyndham Grand Bonner Creek. Since last week was Juan’s birthday and we really didn’t do anything I figured let me call some friends and pull some strings and celebrate it right. We checked and I can’t explain how nice the front desk was. Vincent took his time and explained everything. He even said that at 9pm we would be able to see the fireworks from our balcony. I was excited.

So we went to our room and we had a beautiful welcome plater. We decided to go to dinner at the Deep Blue. Again very nice. I started to ache and the meds where in the room. We finished dinner and left. Just walking to the room was so painful. I took my clothes off and laid in bed. Tears rolled down my face as a moaned. Juan got me the meds and started to rub my back. Every joint in my body ached. I cannot explain the pain just that it hurt and hurt really bad. It was an ache that you never wished it upon anyone! As Juan rubbed my back the pain started to subside. All I could think about is all the people that feel this way throughout chemo and how fortunate I am that I only feel that way after my shots.

So I reflect back at my journey and realize that fear will come and go just as the pain will come and go. I remember the fear of losing my hair. And look, I rock it! The fear of chemo and it knocking me down. I also am rocking it, for the most part. I fear the surgery but I know I will also rock that.

I am blessed and cancer has been a gift. A gift that has shown me love, pain and understanding. There will always be a silver lining if you just give it chance and stay positive.