So like most traumatic experiences you go through different emotions. Right now I think anger is at the top of my list.

On Monday, I had my appointment with Dr. Shah the oncologist that is doing the immunotherapy trial. The nurse came in and I had to go over every single question again. Medicine that I am on, when was Chemo, when was radiation, when was surgery and when did you start xeloda. Oh and why am I here today. Juan had to put his hand on my shoulder. He knew I was about ready to burst. Then put on this pink gown! Have I mentioned how I hate these pink gowns!

Dr. Shah walks in and says, I won’t be doing another cycle of xeloda, that 7 will be enough. AccordIng to the trial I need to be off of them. So when I was told to do six and I did that well they pushed to eight. Now that I am trying to get on the trial seven is enough. So what is it! 6,7, or 8! Well I am happy to end it at seven since this past week has been a little rough. My concentration is off, my neuropathy is mild but I am so tired! So seven cycles it is. Then I mentioned surgery in January and she asked what type of surgery. I told her the diep flap. Her face was stone cold and she said everyone knows how I feel about that type of surgery. I said, “well I don’t what do you feel.” She said, ” it’s a long surgery, you can have many complications, it is never only one surgery and you will use a walker for six weeks”. I said, “yes I know.” Then she said maybe do implants first.It is so crazy and upsetting to say the least! Never the less, this too shall pass. Oh and I am not sure how this whole Breast Cancer Awareness month is making feel. I am glad that we are advocating for awareness, research and a cure but this too brings so many emotions. It is kind of a love hate relationship. Love that we bring awareness but hate that this is my life and so many other women lives…. There has to be a stop to all this madness. I will always say it’s ok and I am good. There is always someone worse off. I see younger women going through this. Even pregnant women doing chemo. So I am ok! I AM ALIVE! The Anger will pass!

I am blessed! I got this!