So after waiting five days and having a bad weekend thinking of all the things I want to do before I die, I finally got the results. I am NED, no evidence of disease. I can finally feel good again. All this waiting made me realize a few more things about myself.

By Sunday I couldn’t even think straight. I thought I was hungry and then I realized no you are not hungry, you are stressed. So instead of stress eating I stress shopped. Sorry Juan, more packages coming our way! Lol

I also realized how I immediately had a list of things I wanted to do. Well that list will get completed and I won’t wait for a diagnosis to travel and celebrate. So my year will be filled with some trips. And yes, I even thought that I needed to switch my car and get a sporty convertible. Not sure that will happen this year but it will be my next car!

Lastly, and not that I didn’t know how blessed I am but I am blessed with a wonderful husband that has been there for me ever step of the way. He had to travel today but he made sure he was there for me. I know he was terribly worried as well and I hate that he goes through the same roller coaster ride as me. He has always been and continues to be my night and shinning armpit!

I am blessed! I got this!

It has been a while since my last post. To be exact my last post was on February 21, 2021. I haven’t posted because things have been good or bad but because you learn to live with the aftermath of cancer. Some people assume your fine because your not in treatment but the ugly reality is cancer is the gift that keeps on giving.

Yes, cancer can be a gift. As crazy as it sounds you learn so much about yourself and others. You learn to put yourself first as much as you can. But you also realize that you are strong then you think. It’s all about the mindset.

Well my mindset today is not the most positive. I had my CT Scan on Tuesday. The process of going to get a scan plays with your mind. You relive the whole journey. You pray that nothing comes back. And you hold the tears back as the scan machine tell you to hold your breath.

So it is now Saturday and no results! I usually get them within 48 hours. It has been four days. The kicker is I called my oncologist on Friday asking her if she got the results. I was told no but that we would go over it on Monday at 12:30. So I wait a few more days. I play the mind game but fry to stay busy. It the silent time that kills me the most! If I stay busy then I am fine. But if not I play so many sinceros in my head. Cancer really sucks! It just a realty that one must live with. The fear truly never really goes away but you learn to deal with it. But then you have days like today that you just want it to be Monday!

My prayer is that everything is good and I remain NED! I pray for peace for anyone going through this journey. For now I wait! But like always, I GOT THIS! I am blessed!

So its been very weird these past months to say the very least. After fighting cancer you laugh at the thought of Covid. But realty is that Covid does also kill. But then you wonder what is this all for! You realize that we are just a pon in the game called life. WHY IS IT THAT THEY CAN GET A VACINE for Covid but yet we still have people dying of cancer. Let’s face it cancer is a money maker. I see more cancer facilities being built. I wasn’t chosen for a trail for women with TNBC. But yet Covid is already on the the third trial session for FDA approval. It just makes me wonder.

I wonder when will things get normal or what will be my new normal. I go to PT 2x a week to get my arm drained and I go once a week for a deep tissue release and lymphedema drainage massage. No it isn’t like a normal massage. The first 15 min I fight the tears and she pushes down on scare tissue to release it. Just for it to come back four or five days later. It’s so painful that there are times I feel like I’m gonna pee in my pants of just how painful it is. Then she works on draining the arm, armpit and entire right upper breast area. I get the last 10 min if that of a back and neck massage. I have been doing this treatment for over 8 weeks now. I know it works because when I leave the rib and breast discomfort goes away. The hand is back to a almost normal size. But then it all creeps back around day five. I’m hoping with time it will last longer as I have seen it work but this just can’t be my new norm.

My next MRI is in Sept. So here we go again. The anx of the whole cancer process starts over. Is the rib pain the cancer coming back. Is the sharp pain on my breast something new. Is this the new norm. Yes treatment is over but living with the side effects and trying to find your new norm isn’t easy also! I know the alternative is worse. I get it! But for know I remind myself how very blessed I am and that I got this!

It’s been exactly a week since I was told I was having a reoccurrence. Then to be told 3 days later no it is granuloma. Fast forward to today and my Pet Scan shows granuloma and no activity on the spot they found in my lungs.

It all started in December when my right foot was swollen. I went to the Dr and did some test. Checked for clots in the vein and did chest X-ray. All came out fine. But then in January both legs swelled and I started to lose weight, had a dry cough and the swelling was bad. So back to the DO, Endocrine and Oncologist. Change some of my meds and said I would be better in a few days. Oh and more tests. Then finally on 2/2 when it hurt so bad to walk I went back to the DO. She said you need to go to Er you have shortness of breath.

So off we went to the Er! I had another Venus Doppler done and no clots, chest X-ray and all was good. Er dr didn’t like the way my feet looked and said she was admitting me. She thought it was cellulitis but with my background they wanted to run more test. After 2 days the general Dr said he wanted a CT Scan. So off to get the CT Scan and not 40 minutes later I was asked whom my oncologist was. Right then I knew something was wrong. When my oncologist walked in all I could do was cry and say No! My oncologist was positive and said that my lymph nodes near my bronchial was enlarged and that I had a spot in my lung! She believed the spot in the lung was nothing but was having the pulmonologist come to see me. So the pulmonologist said we could wait 4-6 weeks and repeat the scan or do a bronchial scope. I said we need to do the scope. So last Friday I had the scope done at 8:00am. By 9 am I was told it was a reoccurrence. The pathologist was so sure that he said not to take any more samples. So I came home Friday and told the kids and my family. I was ready to fight Round 2!

Then on Monday my oncologist called and said all the stains show no evidence of cancer. She said she would run more stains and we would do a pet scan on Wednesday. So the second stains came back negative but the Pet Scan was moved to Thursday. Because The insurance didn’t want to cover the Pet Scan. So my oncologist had to schedule a pier to pier with the insurance to finally get it approved.

So Thursday, yesterday I had my Pet Scan. I can not tell you all the emotions that occur when I laid on that table. The constant head talking to myself saying it’s taking longer then last time. What if! Just Cray Cray talk in my head! I thought the oncologist would have called me on Thursday but she didn’t. Finally today at noon I couldn’t wait any longer so I called. I was told she was out of the office today until Tuesday! I was like WTH! So I spoke to the nurse and she said she was gonna call the Dr and call me back. At 3:05 I called back and no response. Finally I said I have my oncologist cell, I’m texting her. And she quickly responded. She said the Pet Scan showed granuloma and no activity on the lung spot. She said she still wanted to see the pictures herself on Tuesday but she is confident it is granuloma. I will be put on steroids and rechecked in 4-6 weeks!

I can’t say enough about all the out poor of the family and friends that knew. It gave me strength and courage to fight again. Once I finish the cycle of steroids I hope to put this all behind me! I will work on Learning to live without fear of reoccurrence and strengthen my faith again!

I am blessed! I got this!

I can remember when I was first diagnosed having a conversation with a friend about another cancer survivor and not understanding why this person was still overwhelmed by cancer. Today, one year and eight months after treatment, I understand. You fight for your life and battle what is probably one of the biggest battles in life and you wonder why, what was all this for. I had a path, a goal so to speak. Then you finish and you think you will be back to normal. Things will be as they once were. Reality is that things are not back to where they were. You view life, relationships, careers and such so differently. The Rosie glasses are not so Rosie anymore. No one explains the aftermath and what happens to most people after treatment. And then you speak to a friend and they say, “things are for a season, a reason or a lifetime”. And it is then that you realize that what once was doesn’t not have to be again. You evolve as a person, friend and as a family member. You chose wiser, listen a little harder and feel 10x more then you did before. Treatment is over but the scares are still there. The journey continues but under other circumstances. It would be easy to fall pray to fear, depression and other emotions but I must continue to try find joy in my day. Do misunderstand fear, depression, anger and so many other emotions come and go. I’m learning to allow them all in but not allow them to stay!

So yesterday I did this thing called phase 2. Yes the surgeries continue. The plan was to remove what is call “dog ears” from the left breast and lift it to be more symmetrical to the right which is the radiated side that lays higher. Then the Dr would remove the painful scar tissue on the right. During the prep the Dr came to see me and said he was to concerned with the radiated tissue. He said it would be a risk that he didn’t believe would be a good idea. He said it would be like poking a bear! Wouldn’t guarantee the scar tissue wouldn’t come back and the healing could be a nightmare! Months of healing and could have to use a wound vac. So I cried! I tried to be strong but some tears did come out. The nurse was so awesome! He asked if I was ok and held my hand. The Dr did say if a lost enough weight and he could get more skin then he would revisit it. It’s amazing everything is weight….. and if you know me my weight has always been an issue! For me to lose weight I have to do both exercise and diet. It is a struggle for many reason not will power but medical. I do not have a thyroid so I take synthroid. That controls a lot. If you are not dosed correctly you won’t lose a lb! So for now I will live with the constant discomfort of scar tissue.

My plan or goal is to start a year long process. It will be the longest goal I will initiate. My goal will be to lose 40lbs. God help me…. I’m thinking I can do it in six months but my body has been through hell so I will take as long as it needs.

I am grateful to my loving husband whom has been by my side the entire time. I haven’t been the easiest wife throughout this journey probably more so after treatment has ended since finding my new norm has been so difficult. But he has been awesome and I need to work on continuing to let him know it, not just with words but actions.

So for now I heal and rest again! Thank you for reading and joining me through this journey!

I am blessed! I got this!

It’s been a while since my last post but I felt it was time to express myself. Although treatment is done, my journey continues. When diagnosed with cancer your life is turned upside down. The mix of emotions are overwhelming to say the least. In my experience, I went from diagnoses, treatment, and what’s next. Many say that after treatment the feelings of “what’s next” is overwhelming.

During cancer treatment you have a plan and somewhat of a timetable. After treatment it becomes a what’s next. Yes, for me check ups are every 3-4 months. And that’s when you realize PTSD is real and you don’t have to fight in a war or be in the military to have it. Although fighting cancer is a silent war. But the realty is you are in the flight or fight mode. Then treatment is over. No more chemo, radiation and pills. What’s left is a scared body, beaten mind and a continual reminder that it can come back.

My reconstruction was February 22, 2020. It was six weeks of healing and rest. By week two I wanted return to work and move on. But then Covid-19 hit and my six weeks became ten. Then I got furloughed. The furlough was to last only two weeks but then the call came that it would be another 60 days before we come back or even get eliminated. The stress of not knowing if I will have a job or watch others lose their job is unsettling. I recall stating that I believe I handled my cancer better then this covid and now the politic mess we are in.

It all stems from our state of mind and how we handle change, drama, life. You see, I had the opportunity to get away this past weekend and it was an eye opener for me on several levels. I felt I grow leaps and bonds in just two days. I visited my dearest friends and was able to remove myself the day to day events. No Facebook, Instagram or news for two days. Although prior to the visit I removed my Facebook and Instagram apps off my phone. Both social platforms became to overwhelming and controlling. But for the most part we didn’t watch the news. It was refreshing. Which brings me to one of my points. Our minds are so powerful but yet fragile. It is like the expression, weather you think you can or can’t you are right. Allowing your mind to overcome certain fears or limitations is powerful. That is true in so many levels. After surgery I have been cautious to move and use my right arm. Not realizing I have been limiting myself on many levels. I took the time to heal but now it’s time to live. And as far as Covid goes it is time to live. Live cautiously, wear a mask, wash your hands and keep your distance. This too shall pass!

On the social aspect of things remove yourself from the media, social apps and see how much better you feel. Try it, you will be surprised the silent effects it has on you. There is a lot of bad in this world and if that is all we focus on we will never heal or move forward. Stress is the number one cause to a lot of illness! So for now, I respect the differences in one another, learn each day a new terminology, understand the history and work towards peace, knowledge and respect!

I got this! I am blessed! We all are blessed!

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I am 15 days post op. I am very impressed with my recovery thus far. The scares are by far the worse part. One scar is from hip to hip and currently I have still have two drains. Then I have two triangle shape scares, one on each breast. They are all healing well. The drains in my breast were removed last week along with the wound vac. I am currently walking 1.25 miles. I’m resting a lot which is good but also frustrating. I have a list of things I want to do but they must wait just a little longer.

As I reflex on this journey that will soon be 2 years. I’ve learn and grown a lot. I’ve learned that family and friends are few. I’ve lost some and gained some. And truly I harbor no ill will to those I’ve lost. I simply choose now to only allow what I feel is sincere and true family and friends in. In recent conversations with Juan. I mentioned that I would love to have the days where all our family and friends are together. But times have changed. People have changed. And so have I. Love, respect and sincerity are so important. More important than having many people around me.

I am learning to meditate and self heal. Rest and regain my energy. With time I will be back to exercising and hopefully doing more runs. I continue to submerge myself in the beauty of nature. Listening to birds and animals around my yard. There is so much peace around us if we only take this time to see it and enjoy it. We shouldn’t have to wait till we are sick or on vacation to see it. We live surrounded by nature and beauty but we are so busy and live in negativity. I believe it is a choice. You choose to live in positivity or not.

Being a Cancer Survivor you learn a lot about yourself and others. Everyday you grow and learn. It could be the simplest of things or the more complex but we learn. I’ve learned that a positive mindset has thrusted me through this journey. No am I not saying by any means that it has been easy. But the days that felt like I wanted to give up, were the days I choose to fake it. Fake it till it became easy to get out of bed. I mustard the strength and courage to take yet one more scan or one more surgery. My journey still continues but it continues with my positive spirit, my faith and the support of my friends and family.

I am blessed! I got this!

I am as they on the Diep side now! Surgery went well. The Dr. told Juan and my friend that he went a little large since I had the fat! Lol I’m not sure what size yet but they are thinking C. Which I will be happy with. So far very soar but manageable but then again I have a morphine drip. Tried not to use it so much yesterday but today I thought to myself “use it don’t be superwomen you don’t want to the pain to get ahead of you!”

The nurses had me sit yesterday and today I get to walk. I’ll be walking with the walker for about 3 weeks. Go times! Now I’ll know what my Dad felt like every time I would tell him to use the walker. Boy, I do miss my parents.

So for now it is recovery time. I just have to remember to allow everyone to help me. That I don’t need to be superwomen. I just need to heal. It funny because yesterday to get me to sit took two ladies and it was an ordeal. I kept on thanking them and saying I can do it. They said no we need to help you. It reminded me of what my therapist always says, “allow other to help you”! Ugh what a struggle that can be.

I am blessed! I got this!