Life is what we make of it. Easier said then done. I sit back and think of all the changes that has occurred in just one year. Let alone the past few years. From diagnosis to treatment. I’ve been through lumpectomy, hair loss, so many side effects, double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, chemo pills, weight gain and more. I look back at just a year ago, running my first half marathon and actually feeling the best I had ever felt in a while. Then I think of the of the days not wanting to continue treatment. Tired of the pills and scared of the next steps. But I realize this is not life. At least not the life I want to live. I want to live life to its fullest and not live to fight cancer. Cancer has consumed me in so many ways. It time that I consume cancer. I am NED (no evidence of disease) and I need to live. You see when it is our time to leave earth there will be our love ones that morn but life will go on. That is just the way life is. People will continue to work, be in relationships and move on. So for me it is to live the rest of this life living. I will do my best to find the best in each day and live in the present.

So as I awake this morning I start with a deeper sense of love. The fulfillment of hearing the beautiful cardinals outside my bedroom window. Take in a deep breath and know that today is a great day. It is all about the gratitude and self love. Today I live to love life!

I am blessed! I got this!

This is the year that my best friend and I turn 50! Yes, the big 50!

So we talked about taking another River Cruise but nothing really spoke to me. I guess I had fears of the weather. It being to hot and me not being able to enjoy it. You see every time I walk out to the sun my arms tingle. The tingle is like having a bad reaction on your skin. The good thing is that it is only my arms and it is only for a few minutes. Just another Wonderful side effects of Xeloda. Plus I would be further along on my Xeloda treatment. Meaning the chemo will be accumulating week after week. So she mentioned she was going to Alaska with the family and We should join them. So in less then 2 weeks from the departure date I booked a 7 day cruise to Alaska. It was so last minute that I really couldn’t get excited. But then it was time to fly to Seattle, WA. The excitement started but in the back of my head the worry of will I be strong enough to do the tours, sites, even walk to my cabin. It has been a year since I was on a exercise routine. Then I look in the mirror and hate what I see. This extremely over weight person with hair growing back with what they say is the chemo curl! Ugh! So I say, fuck it and enjoy the cruise! Enjoy this vacation with the boys because who knows if next year they will even want to travel with us.

As I lay in my cabin and look out the window and all I see is grey clouds. But I feel that these grey clouds are so beautiful and such a wonderful breath of fresh air. So I might worry about a lot of things that many others don’t even think about. I can still take control and be grateful for the beauty that surrounds me. Enjoy the time with my family and dear friends. And most of all take time away from all this cancer fighting treatment!

I am blessed! I got this!

Yesterday I saw my oncologist and we discussed my next cycle of Xeloda and she mentioned she wanted to lower my dose. Instead of 11 pills a day to 6 pills a day. Then we discussed our pending vacation and she said I could always skip a week so I don’t feel so bad. I told her I could take it… I did not want to compromise my treatment. She assured me that six pills a day or even pushing one week back would be ok. That this is a bonus! Xeloda a bonus! WTF, I never wanted that type of bonus. But what she meant is it is another form of preventing a reoccurrence. She said with the type of massive radiation I had and the pills I would be ok. I left happy and renewed.

Later that night Juan and I enjoy our date night. One that we haven’t had in a while. We use to go out every Friday night and have our date night. With all the illnesses that dropped to the waste side. But last night was the first of many more to come. With that being said, I rehashed the Dr. visit. Asked Juan his thoughts on the Dr. visit. He said he thought it was a waste of time but then changed his mind and said well they did blood and she did lower your dose. So right away my mind, you know the “Cancer” mind went to why is the Dr lowering my dosage? Is she not interested in my well being? Is this all a Rx scam? You name it, I thought it. Unfortunately, I wont know what is right or wrong and I will have to depend on the Dr., my faith and my gut.

For now I am finally feeling better and enjoying my days. I will live in the present, be the best person I. An be and live intentionally….

I am blessed! I got this!

My morning started off like every other Saturday. Hubby making coffee and me waiting and watching the birds outside. Then hubby decides to mention some issue we are having with our fountain outside and how he is going to fix it. Needless to say we had a disagreement about how to fix it. All I could think was why is he being so nasty today.

So the day went on and I was preparing for what I thought was a visit from one of my friends. Being in the hotel business you understand the importance of a clean room and bed. So I prepared our Hernandez B&B. Fresh towels, flowers, chocolates and triangle folded toilet paper with stamp. So I go overboard for sure. I even have a guest book! Lol

The doorbell rang and it was Cary. She said oh Dave is getting things out of the car. I said ok and went to get the barking dogs. Then I noticed a group of people entering my house. I couldn’t recognize Lynette with her son glasses and who would think she would be in Sorrento, Fl from her home town Memphis, Tn. Then Jungling walked in and the tears overcame me. Seeing Brenda, Lynden, Angele, Cary and John. Wow so many memories, so many years have passed that I had not seen some of them. And for a quick moment cancer almost ruined the day. When I saw them all, a thought popped in my head. They are here because they think I am dying! And as quickly as the thought entered I took it out. No, these wonderful and loving individuals are here to share memories and experiences. Many many years of them. They are here to show me support and love. As I sat there and spoke with them I realized the impact we all have on each other. How we should live intentionally and not allow the world around us to consume us. It was a grateful day for me. One that I will cherish for sure.

I am blessed! I got this!

So tonight Juan and I attended a graduation for Alexandria Morffi in Longwood Florida. It was a Christian High School graduation. They only had 60 graduates but the ceremony was 2 1/2 hours long. It was so intimate. I thought to myself this would never happen Im SFL. We prayed and all the speeches touched me. One speech was from a Chinese girl that came to America for a better education. She had host families and she has dedicated her life to God. She came at the age of 15 not knowing the language and has graduated with honors, knowing God and a new language. I was so impressed by her courage and strength. She left her family and know is a better person. Then Mr. Yates came up and gave his speech to the graduating class. He shared his love for Christ and a personal story. He lost his twin daughters just 3 weeks ago. His belief in God and his love for teaching touched every single person in that audience. Then after the ceremony we gather at a quant restaurant called Chianti’s. I was fortunate to sit across another cancer survivor. Her name is Laura and her loving husband Benny. She talked about her cancer and her last four years. How she was recently in the hospital for six days and how she lives with a colostomy bag. As they say when you think you have it bad there is always someone else worse. We shared horror stories. She said I gave her hope and she gave me the same. I learned so much in one night, God is great! I am not sure how one can’t believe but I will not judge. Then as Juan and I drove home we started to discuss the night events and all of a sudden a dear pop out of the street. Tonight was the first night since my DMX that I actually had the seat belt across my chest. I held the front belt. And as Juan stepped on the brakes I screamed “OMG”! I thanked God once again tonight for not allowing a terrible accident to occur. Too much has happened in one simple night for one not to notice the presence of God! Maybe just maybe it is times like these that help us understand that we are not here on this earth for ourselves but for a greater purpose!

I am blessed! I got this!

My oncologist called about 3 weeks ago stating she was concerned about my live enzymes being a bit elevated. I said, oh don’t worry that’s because I have gained weight. So I scheduled the ultrasound and went today. Again my loving hubby joined me but couldn’t go in. The lady walked me to the room. I was prepared as I have had ultrasounds before. But as I laid down on the table she started to prepare me and began with taking pictures. She asked me to hold my breath and it brought back the radiation memories. The tears started forming and I had to talk myself out of having an anxiety attack. I looked at the screen and of course I saw cancer everywhere. It was horrific. The tech took 115 images and at one point I wanted to tell her to stop and get Juan over to hold my hand. But I prayed and I told God it was his will not mine. It was his will to heal me or not. It helped comfort me but then the sonographer came in and took more picture. A total of 124 pictures. I walked out broken by this cancer once more. But then at about 4:30pm I got an email. I was talking with my friend Tracee and I read it to her. Dr. Tracee Google told me “Itzi, you don’t have cancer”. I read it again and again. I still have to get the call from my oncologist but it seems it is a fatty liver. Finial Diagnosis, I AM FAT! Thank God!

Now to get on a good healthy eating habit and start walking.

I am blessed! I got this!

Tomorrow I start my six cycles of Xeloda. Each cycle is three weeks long. Two weeks on the pills and one week off. So it will be a total of 18 weeks on these pills. As usual plenty of side effects but my Oncologist says the worse side effect would be the hands and feet feeling like that are burning and peeling. I have faith that I won’t have these side effects and this phase will be a breeze.

I am still suffering from the radiation but see the light at the end of the tunnel. The blisters are bad and still bleed but are getting more manageable. It is either that it is getting easier or I am getting use to it. I am still very tired but seems that my thyroid and diabetes are out of control. So hopefully with new dosage I can get my energy back.

Nevertheless, these are phases that mean I am one step closer to completing my cancer treatment. I just can’t wait to be back to some kind of normal. So remember be kind as you never know what someone is going through!

As always, I am blessed! I got this!

http://chemocare.com/chemotherapy/drug-info/Xeloda.aspx

I remember being in the island of Morano and looking for table clothes with Tani, my high school BFF. We each wanted to buy these beautiful white tables clothes and the sales lady kept on showing us different styles. Within minutes the lady said, “you are a romantic this is the one you want.” She hit the nail in the head. And we each picked out our tables clothes. I thought to myself how in the world could this lady figure me out so quickly.

Then as we moved to our home in Sorrento, Fl I saw this tile. I told Juan look it’s a heart.

Every morning I see this little heart and I think to myself, love is everywhere. I guess if you have a creative mind and a open heart you find love everywhere.

It truly is the small stuff that makes me happy.

I am blessed! I got this!

The tradition started in 1996 with head and neck cancer patient Irve “Chuck” Le Moyne, the first SEAL to receive the two-star rank of Admiral. Le Moyne is credited with improving communications between special operations forces during special missions. He installed the first brass bell in the Radiation Treatment Center’s main campus.

I am so blessed! I got this! Thank you God!

Today I started my day with a visit to my oncologist. Everyone was very pleasant and welcomed me back as I haven’t seen them in 6 weeks.

The nurse walked in and said she needed to draw blood. I told her ok draw from my arm. She said no we need to draw from the port. I freaked out and told her no. She said the port needs to be flushed every 6 weeks. I said well it hasn’t been since 12/26/18. So then we discussed whom would access my port. We agreed that Caroline from infusion would do it.

I started to tear up and did the sign of the cross. I believe the tearing up was both fear and flash backs of chemo. Nurse Caroline walked in and used a 1 inch needle. She cleaned the site, sprayed cold spray then pushed the needle in. Nothing happened. Then she adjusted it and both Juan and I herd a pop. She was in and was able to draw blood and flush the port! Success!!! Dr. Ajaz came in and talked to about the next phase. Chemo pills for 18 weeks. Two weeks on and one week off. Six cycles of this. She kept telling me to go on vacation. That I can travel while on the pills. We also discussed reconstruction and being put on a trail. Dr. Ajaz was very positive said I have lost weight. 7 lbs, much more to go! She even mentioned my hair growing back. We discussed having a scan and she said we would do it in July/August. There is still much more to happen. But I am on my way.

Then off to radiation. Today was my first boost radiation. They said it would only be in the breast area but it is getting a portion of my armpit. I was hoping it wouldn’t as the Dr. said it wouldn’t. The skin under my armpit is raw. They couldn’t even mark my skin. They even prescribed pain killers. It is painful but I know I am at the home stretch. I did have a few moments today of just giving up! Not wanting to continue and just saying I am done. It hurts just to take a shower. It hurts to put the cream on. Then you have to take the cream off prior to radiation and that hurts. Whomever said radiation is no big deal obviously didn’t get radiation like I am having….

FOUR more sessions and I am done! I am so grateful to have such a great support system!

I am blessed! I got this!