Today was a total of ten session for me. Five more to go. And naturally it came with apprehension and concern. Concern due to the side effects starting to take over. I started to notice systems of neuropathy which is a side effect and can last up to 3-5 months and or never go away. Apprehension because the Dr. explained that when this happens they would dial back the chemo or stop it altogether. I also don’t think it helped that I watched Rx-Early detection with Sandra Lee. Wow! A most see for sure. Unfortunately the Dr was not in so I saw another Dr. they decided to continue the the chemo but gave me a prescription for the neuropathy. I also asked about icing my feet and hands while receiving chemo. According to the article from a Dr at MD Anderson the ice helps to stop the chemo from reaching the area. It seems to have worked during treatment but starting to feel a little now. So I will research more and see if continuing to ice will help.

Again, the accessing of the port was a issue! Nurse Jen came in cleaned the area, iced the area (they call me the ice queen) and then pushed the needle in. She flushed the site and that went well but they couldn’t draw the blood again. So they called Nurse Nicole to come in. A little 5″2 nurse with a great spirit and concern for the patient. She moved the needle around and tried so many different angels. We did the cough, raise your hand , breath and stand up! Finally she resorted to another heparin shot and boom it worked. Then I asked about my premeds. I usually have 4, all IV but this time and last the Benadryl was oral. I didn’t want oral because last time it knocked me out. And I have work to be done… They gave me 50mg. So today I asked why. The Nurse told me that Benadryl has a shortage because it is made in Puerto Rico. Crazy right!

All calmed down and meds started flowing, ice on feet and hubby bringing lunch! All is good in the chemo world. I had the entire room to myself. It gave me and the nurse a little 1×1 time. She also lived in BROWARD so we had a nice talk.

My hope is that the neuropathy stops and I can get a good nights rest. Oh and I have to mention while getting chemo today 2 UPS men came in dropped off a packages. As they walked in they both greeted and I said hello and smiled. As they walked away the one man walked by and said as he left “you know you are beautiful bald”? I smiled and said thank you. Simple words that can make the process a little more bearable. I am blessed!

Every cancer is different. It is not one size fits all! No diagnosis or treatment will be the same. So this list of side effects are what I feel during chemo.

Hair loss-everywhere

Metal Taste- nothing tastes the same and lemon tends to ease the taste.

Tired-the day of chemo always makes me tired then around the 3-4 day the chemo effects kick in

Retaining water- could Be side effects of other meds

Blood sugar- my blood sugar has gone up to 350! Insulin dependent now.

Aches- I get severe aches in my bones especially after Leukine shots! My ribs, elbows, joints, you name it it aches.

Weight gain- some get to lose weight and some gain. I’m the later. It’s not fun. On top of not feeling great I’m uncomfortable.

Finger nails are tender

Mouth sores- skin just falls out and you can’t eat spicy foods

Breathing-I get short of breath just getting out of a chair sometimes. During chemo my breathing gets labored.

Constipation/diarrhea-yes both, never sure how your meals will effect you.

Nose bleeds-

Facial rash-

Insomnia- especially on Sundays prior to chemo. Can’t get more then 4-5 hours of sleep

Skin changes-dryness and pealing

Good times! But all is temporal and I will be healed! I am blessed.

It was a pretty decent day for the most part. My head was in a fog but I was able to work and get things done. My son Noah cooked as usual and Lucas cleaned up. Juan and I sat on the couch as I watched Tv. I watched “This is Us” and “New Amsterdam”. Juan always tells me not to watch hospital shows before going to bed. Well I have to say he was right. The main character of New Amsterdam was diagnosed with Cancer. He is the head of the hospital and just works, works, and works. Until finally he commits to his health for his wife. He had to get his wisdom teeth removed to start treatment so when he woke up he wrote a note to his wife. The note read, what if I can’t do this! It hit me like a brick! The tears rolled down my face! It was a realty check for me. I keep myself busy even walked again yesterday just to not allow that moment of fear in. Yes, I am strong in my faith and Know that God will guide and protect me. But that fear that I will always have to fight cancer is there. That I will be cured but what if it comes back again but stronger.

So I reached out to my dear friend Freddy who can always ground me! And he did! He said not to get ahead of myself and concur the cancer I have. He also suggested yoga. Then not minutes later another friend posted this.

“I wore this for an event and the reflection in the mirror slapped the shit out of me!!! I realized, this is me, an actual clown, in my career, my Life, as a mother, daughter … wow! how many of us hide behind a smile? For family, friends, bosses, customers , significant others…and we are crying, hurting, wishing, doubting, and full of fear inside?!? I’m honest enough to say I do!”

She hit the nail on the spot for that moment for me! Sometimes the strongest people are not strong they are just protecting everyone else! One thing I know for sure is that I will continue to rely on my faith, my family, and friends. To help pick me up when I need it and to give me the loving support in times of need! I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart! It takes a village as they say. Love you all!

I had to add this as it just came up on my daily verse….

2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

Today marks a total of 9 chemo sessions. I am more than half way done and so grateful that my side effects have been in my eyes minimal. The first four sessions were Ac dense which should have knocked me down and two session of carbo and taxol which also can knock you down. In total I have only had about 3 days of getting my ass kicked. Not bad! Trust me though that physical pain is not the same as the emotional pain but I continue to stay positive and focus on healing. I want to be the example to other women. I want to strive in my journey with grace and prove that women can fight and love!

So for the nuts and bolts of today. It was crazy day to say the least. Started the day with my Monday morning book club. The club has guided me to learn and practice what we learn on our day to day! It’s is a great start for the week. On the flip side we had more issues with my port. They came in and accessed the port. They were able to drain it but couldn’t draw blood. So we started with ok stand now cough or raise your hand! Crazy…. so they drew the blood from the arm and took out the needle and accessed the port a second time. Before accessing the port the for second time they gave me Hyperion to thin out the blood. Waited ten minutes and accessed the port for the second time. We are in and blood can be drawn.

I went to my chosen recliner and started the premeds. This time they gave me 50mg of Benadryl and not 25mg! Needless to say within 30 minutes I was out. One hour of premeds one hour of carbo chemo and one hour of taxol chemo. I had the boys take me and pick me up. There was no way I could drive. I was able to work a half day. But a slow day to say the least. I will continue to say and believe that I am blessed and will fight this with grace!

I will continue to be grateful for all my supporting friends and family! Trust me when I tell you that God continues to bless me with all the different support! Seven more sessions to go! I pray that this weeks side effects are minimal.

Today marks one of the emotional days! I believe part of it was lack of sleep. As sleeping hasn’t been easy since the diagnosis. I was getting angry today then emotional. Not how I want to be or be known for. I decided to rest and missed my book club in the morning which was another mistake today. But I can’t change that I can only learn that if your day isnt going your way push through it!

So today was Chemo 4 of 12. Got on the scale and the crap read 2lbs more. So the tears came on while on the scale. Plus a few choice words came out too. That’s a total of 17 lbs! I hate it, I am uncomfortable to say the least. But with the steroids I get so hungry. Plus I am a stress eater. The Dr. said not to worry about it and I need to stay positive. She said that my mindset plays a big role. I told her I read the book! Lol I agree 100%!

The Dr. also said the game plan is to do Carbo next Monday a dose of 6 which is the highest dose. She will prep me this Friday with a shot and follow up with a shot again on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. We also talked about signs to look for. Extreme weakness, fever of 100.4 and which hospital to go to. I know I will be fine but I have a huge corporate visit on Tuesday. My hope is that if I do get symptoms I get it on Wednesday or Thursday.

But after a somewhat crappy day I received a beautiful card from my old neighbor Mary and her daughter Kristen. It is my Faith and all the support that will get me through this journey. I am blessed! So blessed!

I started the day reading this article “Julia Louis Dreyfus and Other Celebs Open Up About Beating Breast Cancershttp://a.msn.com/05/en-us/BBO01Yi?ocid=se“. As I read the article I could relate to many of their comments. Then I realized that through this blog I have expressed a lot of feelings but have kept it positive for the most part. I have kept some of the ugly and scary stuff out. So I will keep things positive but I will be honest and relate all the good and the bad.

I can also related to the message of knowing your body and pushing Dr.s when they say you are ok but you know you aren’t. If you have dense breast you must push for more extensive testing. So that you aren’t misdiagnosed then Years later be told you have Stage 3B triple negative Breast Cancer. That is a very aggressive cancer.

I can also relate to the message of Immense gratitude for all the support I have gotten through my journey. I have learned so much about humanity through these past months. From the lack of support of a few family members that have chosen not show up or shut me out to leaders that have gone through the same diagnosis and haven’t reached out. But those few people are over shadowed by all the support and love of other family members, friends, and colleagues! So when I get sad because I want to connect with them I reflect on all the other people that want to know how I am doing.

This article also reminded me that this is the time to put myself first. As women we tend to be the caretaker to so many and put ourselves second, third maybe even last. That’s just what we do. For years I was the caretaker for my mom, then my Dad and my mother in law for a short period of time. And let’s not forget raising three boys, yes three my stepson for 8 years and of course Noah and Lucas. But now is the time that I must come first! As difficult as it is it most be in order to win this fight.

Above are the implants I saw today while interviewing a plastics surgen. I interviewed Dr. Richard Klien. What an experience. When I walked in and saw those implants I felt my blood pressure rise. I was anxious and scared. This was just another phase of my journey. The Dr. walked in and all I can say is what a character. He was wearing black skinny jeans, stripped pink and purple socks, a purple and gold scarf and a long beaded necklace. He started off by saying we all looked alike and I didn’t get it. Then Juan explained all three of us are bald. Well putting aside his outrageous wardrobe aside he spoke to us at our level, took his time to explain the best procedure for me and was so pleasant. He then measured my boobs from so many angles that I felt like I was a science project. But I understand it is needed for the surgery. My boobs have seen more people in the past few months then in my entire life. Maybe I should hit New Orleans. Ok maybe not…. so then he proceed to suggest the Diep Flap. This is a procedure where he takes the fat and blood vessels from my stomach and construct my breast. It is a bigger surgery but the best option. When we finished our discussion he said to wait that his nurse would come in and take pictures. The nurse walked in and asked me to remove my gown. I had my pants on and she asked me to lower my pants down to my pubic area. Tears started flow down my eyes and I asked Juan to step out. Yes he has seen me naked many times but I didn’t want him to see me cry and humiliated. The nurse stopped and said “do you want a minute”, I quickly replied no I’m fine let’s just get this over with. She was very nice and made sure I was ok. I can’t explain all the emotions one goes through from the loss of your hair and walking around bald to showing your boobs to total strangers and now my entire naked body being pictured. All I can say is I am stronger than I thought. It goes without saying that you just don’t know how strong you are until you are tested. As far as the surgery and the Diep Flap option and another 6 hour surgery It terrifies me but it is another phase of my journey. So this is the plan thus far; after chemo one month of rest, bi lateral mastectomy with a spacer implanted. Weekly fills of the spacer then 6 weeks of daily radiation, 3-4 months of healing then reconstruction. Possible more chemo then tattoo nipples. Yes, they can not spare the nipples. So tattooing is an option down the road. The journey is long but once it is over I promise to be a support for other Breast cancer patients and family supporters. I will give back what I have been blessed to receive.

Today was chemo session 4 (Taxol). I explained to my oncologist that the last session (Taxol and Carbo) kicked my butt on Thursday. She explained that the dose was high. Higher then normal and she could dial it back. I said no! If it means it would be less effective I will take it. So the plan is session 6 she will do another carbo if I can take it then again on session 9 and 12. I will prepare better and hydrate and plan NOT to drive on day’s 3-4 after chemo. But she did explain that the nadir is day 10 which would mean this Thursday. So let’s see! Figures crossed, I have a client appointment. I will continue to fight!

On a side note, I had a wonderful discussion with my oncologist. I bought her a hijab this weekend at the Mount Dora Craft Festival. I explained to her how grateful I was to her. Not only for helping me in my fight of my life but for educating me on her beliefs. She explained that it was her decision 3 years ago and she did it for religious reasons. Her husband did not ask her to do it and when she lived in Pakistan she didn’t wear it there. I explained that it was my lack of education on her religion. I explained that a colleague and I had a long discussion on why women wear them and it infuriated me. To me he explained it as a suppression. But then God place Dr. Bursha Ajaz and my friend Karina Meza to explain that it is much more it is a religious expression. She said it is good that we are able to talk about it. She hugged me three times throughout our conversation and she said “you asked me to treat you as my sister” and I am! What an enlightenment. There will always be radicals in with religion, political views, and people with different sexual orientations but we can not label people. We must not say we are open to individuality but tolerant of nothing! We need to RESPECT each other and not allow a radical to sway our views! I surely am learning a lot!

Galatians 5:15-16

Yesterday, I started to feel a little abnormal. Truthfully, Wednesday afternoon I felt a little out of sorts. But I thought it was the stress of work and the ribbon cutting for our renovated property. So I ignored the feeling Wednesday. Thursday morning I woke up and felt tired. I had an appointment to see my oncologist so I drove. I remember feeling like I didn’t want to drive but I didn’t want to call the kids or Juan.

I got to the Dr. office and waited. I was to get a leucine shot to raise my blood counts. The nurse that came in was a nurse I never saw as the Dr. rotates between 3 office. The nurse said let me draw your blood before the shot. So my Wbc was 3.3 and my red was 3.5. Still I didn’t think much of it. I got my shot and drove home. All I can say is that I wanted to pull over. I didn’t have the strength to even drive. As soon as I got home I sat down immediately. I didn’t want to scare the kids but it even took effort to speak. I thought for sure this cancer finally kicked my ass! I opened my laptop and made a few more calls for work then said I can’t anymore. I lied down and rested. I can’t truly explained the feeling. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. I felt like a truck ran me over. I’ve never felt so weird and weak. Juan called me and told me to drink water so I did. I ate some dinner and napped some more.

I feel better this morning but oh boy was yesterday a scare. The injection must have worked. I am tired today but nothing like yesterday. It’s back to the grind today! I am blessed.