Journey through My Cancer

I am as they on the Diep side now! Surgery went well. The Dr. told Juan and my friend that he went a little large since I had the fat! Lol I’m not sure what size yet but they are thinking C. Which I will be happy with. So far very soar but manageable but then again I have a morphine drip. Tried not to use it so much yesterday but today I thought to myself “use it don’t be superwomen you don’t want to the pain to get ahead of you!”

The nurses had me sit yesterday and today I get to walk. I’ll be walking with the walker for about 3 weeks. Go times! Now I’ll know what my Dad felt like every time I would tell him to use the walker. Boy, I do miss my parents.

So for now it is recovery time. I just have to remember to allow everyone to help me. That I don’t need to be superwomen. I just need to heal. It funny because yesterday to get me to sit took two ladies and it was an ordeal. I kept on thanking them and saying I can do it. They said no we need to help you. It reminded me of what my therapist always says, “allow other to help you”! Ugh what a struggle that can be.

I am blessed! I got this!

It’s 5:28am and we are waiting in the surgical waiting room. Not sure what I’m feeling right now. It’s a mixture of excitement, frustration of lack of sleep and anxiety of surgery! We were told to be here at 5am and no one is here. Ugh!

So we sit and wait! Wait to be called back and start the process. It will begin with washing my body with the antibacterial wash clothes, then the IV. I’ll have to wait for Dr.Klien to come in and mark my body. I remember last time he used a sharpie and marked my body. He used the IV tube to measure each side to make sure everything was symmetrical. It will be interesting to see what these markings will be since they are cutting my stomach! I just hope that the anesthesiologist that comes in doesn’t mess up like the last time. This Dr came in and starting telling that they would be going through my belly button and I remember telling him, “Hum, I am having a double mastectomy”! He apologized and didn’t know what to say. He ended up telling me to take the pain meds cause I would be in pain! I remember thinking what an idiot! But at the end it was all fine! I woke up from surgery telling the nurse her eyebrows where on point. The pain blockers worked well. Unfortunately with this surgery I won’t get pain blockers but I will have a drip for the first 24 hrs. So for now I’ll see you all on the Deip side! Lol

I got this! I am blessed!

Well that’s what all the women say that have the Diep Flap! This past Tuesday I went to see my surgeon for the second time and I weighed in. I finally made it to there approved weight. I have lost 32.8lbs in total and at my pre cancer weight. It is still not the weight I want to be at but it’s the weight that I can move forward and do the Diep Flap. It took a massive effort to lose with strict dieting and excessive exercise. I walked 3 miles a day, then either do Zumba, weights or orange theory. Yes, OT! Funny story my second week in, I fell throw the row machine. It’s funny looking back as I was so into the work out that I wasn’t even embarrassed! The coach came running over to make sure I was ok and to left me up from the floor. He thought I would walk out but I was determined to finish my workout. “Mind over Matter”

I will be on FMLA for 10 weeks with the hope of maybe coming back at 8. I will have to remind myself that this is my time to heal. The hotels will continue to be there no matter what. I look back and feel that it took so long to her here and now I feel like it is happening so quickly. I have ordered the lift chair, completed the FMLA papers, purchased some needed items for post surgery. So this Saturday while everyone is sleeping I will be arriving at the hospital at 5am. Surgery will begin at 7:30.

The surgery is severe as they will cut my stomach hip to hip. They will remove skin and fat. They will pull down my skin and build new breast with the skin and fat. No it is not a tummy tuck. Many joke and say it’s a two for one. I’ve even joked about it. It will be a 4-6 hour surgery. Once it is done I will be in a room for 3 days. I will go home with a wound vac and 4 drains. Recovery will consist of walking with a walker for 3 weeks and several follow up appointments. The main concern is the wound healing. 

There are so many emotions going on. Between excitement that I reached a goal and fear of surgery and recovery. As my STARBUCKS coffee read “Don’t be afraid, Believe”! I believe all will go well. I haven’t gotten to where I am today without the grace of god, my tenacious spirit and support of my family and friends!

I got this! I am blessed!

January 10th I completed a 10K with my Friend Tracee. I didn’t train like I would have but my goal was to finish and not be picked up by the balloon ladies. The race started and as expected the excitement was at its highest. I’m not a runner by any means but I am goal oriented. Tracee and I began together we left Juan and our others friends. We would jog 30 seconds and walk for 45 seconds. As each round ended I started to feel like I could do this. We completed the first mile and I thought to myself ok go for the second mile. Tracee was jogging slower for me and we stayed together. We completed mile 2 know I started to get tired so I thought ok one more mile then I will walk the rest. We completed mile 3 and I told Tracee go and we will meet up at the end. I was so proud of myself that I kept up. So I walked and walked fast. Then I start to jog again at my pace. When I crossed the finish line all I could think of was my journey. How far I have come. And how much our bodies can endure.

My journey is not over by any means but what I do know is that if we put our minds to it focus and push through the hard days it can be done. With that said, I have another CT Scan on 2/10 and reconstruction is tentatively scheduled for 2/21. Both bring feeling of anxiety and even moments of sobbing tears. It the tears pass and so will this! I will continue to do 5k, 10k and hopefully another 1/2 marathon.

I got this! I am blessed.

It was a year ago that I got to ring the unofficial chemo bell! A lot of facilities have bells that you can ring after your completion of chemo. Unfortunately mine did not believe in the bell for courtesy of others that will never complete chemo. I left my last session with mixed emotions. Between feeling overwhelmed that I completed the chemo to anxiety of the next step (double mastectomy). It was without a doubt that God was present as when we left chemo we went to eat. As I finished my meal I looked at the kitchen and saw the bell! I then knew it would all be alright. So when this pictured popped up in my Facebook it brought so many emotions. Emotions of gratitude and feeling blessed that I was able to fight the fight! So much has happened in a year and half. So many lessons learned. I’m not brave as so many people say, my only option was to fight. And fight is what I did and continue to do. Yes, I have days that fear sets in and the aches and pains still come and go. But I do my best not to allow those days to overcome the good days. The next 5 years will be a continuous fight but it is one I haven’t fought alone! I continue to be blessed with support and love from family and friends. I will always cherish all of you. So for now I look back and thank everyone for all the support.

Time has gone by so quickly these days. I haven’t written in a while but not from a lack of incidents. Since my birthday I have had a few test. From chest xray, MRI to bone scan. Thankfully all has been clear. Yes, I am relieved for sure but the constant reminders are with me. I am scheduled to have my port removed on 12/12! I think that will be a relief for me to not have the constant reminder poking out of skin. I’m thinking of asking for it so I can bring it home and burn it. We will see.

As I hang the Xmas ornaments and reflect back at last year and this year, I realize just how grateful I am to be alive. My poor body has been through hell and back. But I continue to fight and proceed with more test and surgeries to come. One day I hope I can look back at all this and say it’s all done. Try to live a life without fear of a reoccurrence. And live in complete peace. I know it will come soon enough.

This holiday season vs last!

I am blessed! I got this!

What a wonderful weekend I had. I got to spend the weekend with my life long best friend and her beautiful family. I also fulfilled a dream. I spoke at the Tea for Tatas event that raises money for the the Lisa Boccard Foundation. I met Lisa last year and she gave me hope. She was a survivor of BC. Yes, was! She passed away this year. I remember seeing the announcement of her death and being so depressed. It took me a few days to get over the news. Another life taken by this horrible desease. So this year I reached out and asked to speak. I got the courage to reach out and be a part of this event. It was a little scary as I spoke in front of my husband for the first time publicly. But I think overall I did well.

But what I took away most this weekend was that we live our lives in what we call a realty which sometimes is not true. Two people can live along side each other and both can have a different perception. We look for love and friendships when in realty what we starved so much for was always there. The perception of competing for ones love was truly one made in the mind. Through our lives we meet people, some good and some not so good. We grow wiser with the years and learn that being present is such a blessing. I have been so blessed to have friends and family members to support me. Friends that I have known for over 30 something years. And friends that I have only known for a few years. All just there to support me. There is no better gift in life then that. So what I do know for sure is that we all need to communicate with one another, tell each other just how important we are to one another because one day it just might be to late.

To Lisa Boccard, you are an angle watching over us now. You are a true hero and I was blessed to have met you!

I got this! I am blessed!

So today I had an appointment to look at my port and see why they can’t draw blood from my port. My oncologist wants to make sure it can be used if I am selected for the trial. Needless to say it was another experience.

I went to the hospital and they explained the procedure while I was there. Pretty simple I thought. I laid on the bed as they had an X-ray machine over me. The first tech came in and she was nice. She talked me through everything. As she cleaned the area I asked for cold spray to numb the area and of course they don’t do that. So she accessed the port and she couldn’t even flush it. Usually they access the port flush it but can’t draw blood. This time they couldn’t even flush it. So she asked for the nurse to come in and reaccess the port. So he came in cleaned it again and started to push the port around. He accessed the port and still no flush or draw. So in comes the Dr. third time is the charm they say. This time they give me the numbing shot. Dr. Says he sees a kink and a clog. So he moves it a little and he is in. They put in the blood thinner and remove the needle. It felt like I was on that table for hours. We won’t know if it worked until the next draw. But I’m glad it is over. I walked out of there thinking God I want all this crap over.

As the day progressed I remember that what seemed to be a pain in the ass was nothing at all. I’ve been through biopsy’s, lumpectomy, chemo, DMX and radiation. This was nothing! So for now I go for my glass of wine and say TGIF!

I am blessed! I got this!

I’ve heard this twice and it makes so much sense! I knew from the time I was diagnosed that what I am going through needs to be more and mean more. So my message is that no one should rely only on test results and ignore that gut feeling.

Both mammograms and ultra sound came back fine. Blood work that checks tumor markers also came back fine. Core biopsy came back suspicious. But I knew that this was not fine. I felt the lump and I pushed. I wonder what would have happen if I didn’t push to see the surgen? My case is not the usual case but then again everyone’s journey is unique. It is so important to do breast exams monthly. You and only you knows your body. Yes, continue to have mammograms and test but ultimately it is your body.

So my mess is my message! Put a reminder on your phones to check yourself. I now start the count down.

Due to my diagnosis TNBC stage 3c the chances of reoccurrence is high. So if I can stay NED for the next 2 years my chances of survival are greater and if I go five years then I am out of the woods. So my clock started ticking 10/7/19 as the clock starts once treatment is over.

I still await the acceptance of a trail and have surgery schedule for early 2020 but I got this and it won’t come back. I will continue to fight for myself, my family and friends!

I am blessed! I got this!

So like most traumatic experiences you go through different emotions. Right now I think anger is at the top of my list.

On Monday, I had my appointment with Dr. Shah the oncologist that is doing the immunotherapy trial. The nurse came in and I had to go over every single question again. Medicine that I am on, when was Chemo, when was radiation, when was surgery and when did you start xeloda. Oh and why am I here today. Juan had to put his hand on my shoulder. He knew I was about ready to burst. Then put on this pink gown! Have I mentioned how I hate these pink gowns!

Dr. Shah walks in and says, I won’t be doing another cycle of xeloda, that 7 will be enough. AccordIng to the trial I need to be off of them. So when I was told to do six and I did that well they pushed to eight. Now that I am trying to get on the trial seven is enough. So what is it! 6,7, or 8! Well I am happy to end it at seven since this past week has been a little rough. My concentration is off, my neuropathy is mild but I am so tired! So seven cycles it is. Then I mentioned surgery in January and she asked what type of surgery. I told her the diep flap. Her face was stone cold and she said everyone knows how I feel about that type of surgery. I said, “well I don’t what do you feel.” She said, ” it’s a long surgery, you can have many complications, it is never only one surgery and you will use a walker for six weeks”. I said, “yes I know.” Then she said maybe do implants first.It is so crazy and upsetting to say the least! Never the less, this too shall pass. Oh and I am not sure how this whole Breast Cancer Awareness month is making feel. I am glad that we are advocating for awareness, research and a cure but this too brings so many emotions. It is kind of a love hate relationship. Love that we bring awareness but hate that this is my life and so many other women lives…. There has to be a stop to all this madness. I will always say it’s ok and I am good. There is always someone worse off. I see younger women going through this. Even pregnant women doing chemo. So I am ok! I AM ALIVE! The Anger will pass!

 

 

I am blessed! I got this!