Journey through My Cancer

Three easy words said but hard to live by at times. This past Sunday morning I had the bajeaves scared out of me. I woke up ready to spend another day with some friends that came over to celebrate my big “50” or as Alex my husband friend said version 5.0! But as I was going to change my clothes I felt a lump in my left breast. I instantly panicked! I kept feeling it and it was hard. I said to myself it can’t be BC, I have no breast I have expanders. Then my mind went crazy. I thought ok maybe it is skin cancer and it is inside under my skin. I cried, I panicked then I prayed. I allowed the fears to creep in. My wonderful husband consoled me then my friend held me and said it was nothing and it would be ok. I wiped the tears and went on the day as if nothing. But that night when everyone left all I could do was talk to myself and try to calm myself.

Monday morning I woke up depressed and scared. Called the PS and made an appointment. Sent an email to my boss and said I wasn’t working and that I wasn’t feeling well. My appointment was at 3pm. I convinced myself I was fine and stupid for worrying. My husband met me at the Dr. and I was told it was either scar tissue or allergen. The fake tissue that holds the expander in place. I was relieved as the nurse continued to explain I was fine. She said I was doing great with my weight loss and reconstruction will be 1/31/20. It was a great turn out but I have to say PTSD is real. As I sat in that office all I could do is remember everything I had gone through in just one year. But as I write my blog I also remember how I am loved and how this journey has changed me. I have fallen weaker in my faith these past few months and I need to reconnect. So my goal, which I have many is to reconnect in my faith, continue to work on my health and make myself a priority.

I am blessed! I got this!

 

There’s one thing I know for sure: You’ll cycle in and out of obstacles as life goes on, because hardships are inevitable. But what’s optional is suffering. How you perceive your situation, handle it, and move on is a choice.

And I know it’s difficult to think positive when you’re stuck in the middle of a mess. I know it hurts and that you break in the midst of it all. But please train your mind to find a pinch of optimism in every difficult situation and hold on to it tightly until you fight your way out of the dark. You’ll look back a year, a month, or weeks from when your hardship took place and you’ll be very grateful for why things played out the way they did.

I am blessed! I got this!

 

It’s hard to stay positive sometimes and I must say depression tries to set in. Between the aches in my spine, aches in my ribs and this lovey lymphedema, I battle everyday with doing my best to stay positive. I know I am so blessed and I am grateful but sadness does creep in.

The daily regimen of pills, massage and trying to lose weight also have been bummed. I have to lose weight to have reconstruction by January 31. It is doable and I know I will get there but the struggle is real. I have always had issues with my weight so this is nothing new. But to know that after all that I have gone through and all the pills I am on that I have to lose 34lbs is somewhat disturbing. I wasn’t this weight prior to all this and I had completed a half marathon. I was feeling better then ever and then the dreadful diagnosis. Again, I know I will get through this and will lose what I need to but the ugly truth is, this is hard!

I have been so blessed to have love ones support me. But I have also lost some relationships during this journey. I know that it is better for my health but the sad truth is that it is still hurtful. I look back at when I was diagnosed and realize that I had put myself in a situation of caring for others and not myself first. I still struggle with it but I am learning that I must come first not in a selfish way but in a healthy way. My cup must be filled first before I can fill others or even thinking of filling others.

So as we await this stupid Hurricane Dorian I remind myself that it is ok to get down but don’t stay there! Push through as hard as you can till the end. Try to make a difference in my life and in others. Love yourself and let others love you. After all what is this all for ……

 

Had to repost for others that might needs this today or tomorrow……9/4/19

There’s one thing I know for sure: You’ll cycle in and out of obstacles as life goes on, because hardships are inevitable. But what’s optional is suffering. How you perceive your situation, handle it, and move on is a choice.

And I know it’s difficult to think positive when you’re stuck in the middle of a mess. I know it hurts and that you break in the midst of it all. But please train your mind to find a pinch of optimism in every difficult situation and hold on to it tightly until you fight your way out of the dark. You’ll look back a year, a month, or weeks from when your hardship took place and you’ll be very grateful for why things played out the way they did.

I am blessed! I got this!

 

Today I start cycle six of xeloda. Tired of taking pills, tired of being on treatment. Just plan tired and want to have some normalcy in my life!

But I won’t sit and have a pity party. I will look at this as only two more cycles to go after this one and then the xeloda treatment will be over. Then I can focus on the trial and reconstruction. So here is to cycle six and fighting light hell to push through all this craziness!

I got this! I am blessed!

I began walking this week. Prior to the ridiculous journey, I had completed a 1/2 marathon and was doing pretty good with my weight and heading towards a healthier and thinner self. So a year and a month after diagnoses I started walking again. Last week I start to drink celery juice in the morning and this week I reintroduced walking with a slight jog. Yes, slight jog!

So today’s Aaptiv walk was about energy and self talk. As we all know we are our own worse critic. Are we too fat, too slow, pretty enough. We are taught to compete with each other in an early age. Especially as women! Are we Barbie or ugly Betty? The truth is no one truly focuses that much on us. Then we come to our own energy.

Do an inventory of whom you are around. Your five closet people. Do they give you energy, or do they suck it out of you. Go through you mind and evaluate them. Just as you would evaluate your quarterly, monthly or yearly goals. What’s working and what’s not. Do you need to reach out to a few people that are positive and give good energy to you. Do you have to eliminate some negative people. You know those people that can only bring out the worst in you.

Part of self healing is the art of studying yourself. We need to continually study our habits, emotions, and actions. We shall never stop learning about ourselves until our death. We live in a society of being the best in our jobs, in our activities but do we invest enough time in being our best self? Weather it is adding a clean habit this week or reintroducing a exercise regimen. We all need to focus on our own best self!

So for today my self talk is, you are awesome and headed to my own best self. Through cleaner eating and walking. You will continue to focus and devote time to you!

I am blessed! I got this!

Funny, as I finish todays blog I noticed, I do give myself positive talk. I always end with I am blessed! I got this. Comment and let me know what is your positive self talk?

That’s Kevin and Jane un back!

The results are in and my six month CT Scans show no reoccurrence. I am still NED (no evidence of desease). So SUCK IT CANCER! You might have interrupted my life but I will continue to fight! If you were a person I think I would punch you in the throat. But instead I thank you for all the though lessons I’ve learned. The struggles and challenges that I, my family and friends have gone through has been hard. What I know for sure (thanks Oprah) is that I couldn’t do it without my faith, my husband, my family and all the support of my friends.

My journey continues as I now have two more cycles of Xeloda added to my plan and now another oncologist to get put on a immunotherapy trial and the surgeries. The road continues but the alternative would be worse. I am so grateful for my oncologist as she stated to me today, “I cringed when I saw your results come up but I am happy to say you are clear. There is no suspicion of anything”. She said she would text the other oncologist to schedule an appointment and by 3pm I was called and on the books for an appointment. That little Dr. is one badass women! We hugged one another and I thanked her for everything. I’ll see her in six weeks. We also talked about losing weight and starting a plan. So that is also on my list.

This cancer has taken its toll on me but I will continue to fight and tell every women to take their health into their own hands. Don’t wait and fight! Not ever test is accurate so go with you gut.

I can’t express the joy that I have right now. I just want to hug all my friends and family! Tell each one how very important they are to me! And that I could not have done this without all the support!

I am blessed! I got this!

So today I had my first six month scan from being NED on 1/28/19. I am not sure I can truly express the emotions of today but I will do my best. I woke up at the normal time that I do every morning. My eyes opened wide but a deep sadness had overcome me. It was like having ten elephants sitting on my chest. I kept on giving my self 15 more minutes to get up until finally I couldn’t stay in bed any longer. I had my first bottle of barium to drink then another an hour later. The barium wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I cried and it was a stupid cry. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling or thinking as I cried but this time I allowed the tears to flow. I didn’t give myself the five minute rule. I acknowledged what my therapist had said, which was “allow yourself the moments of sadness. You have been through so much!” All I could feel was great sadness. Then it was time to leave. So I took a Xanax and drove off to my appointment. Still sad but no tears. As I pulled up to the center I noticed so many cars. I thought to myself what are they giving away. And then the anger creeped in and I thought to myself wow, so many people getting treatment for cancer. This truly sucks! I walked in and gave my name. I sat and waiting and in came my hubby. Or shall I say my rock! They called my name and of course he wanted to join me but couldn’t. We walked towards the scan room and it was like a walk to my death. Every step was breath I took. A breath to ease my nerves. I reminded myself that there is no way cancer is back. I am still under treatment and these scans will be negative. The tech explain the contrast and that it would take six minutes in total. I told if I cry its not that I’m in pain. She replied oh don’t worry I have men that cry because of pain, you are good. The machine started and I tried to channel my parents. I couldn’t. I even started to pray and couldn’t. I just couldn’t focus on anything expect for the stupid machine that was telling me to hold my breath. Then it was all done. The tech said do you know you have metal in your breast. I wanted to say really!!! Omg!! But I wasn’t in a playing mood so I explained that it is the expanders. I grabbed my purse and off we went to lunch. It was a silent lunch, neither Juan or I had much to say. I realized today that this journey has effected so many of my love ones. And I am truly sorry for that! I never wanted to bring sadness to my love ones. But unfortunately this journey secretly brings saddens to everyone around at times. So now I wait. Wait for the call and pray that Gods plan is inline with mine. Or shall I say my plans are in line with his! That the next steps are to finish these chemo pills and do reconstruction. And that the next 3 more scans will come clear. And each one after those. This is a terrible desease one that I wish we had more answers to. But for now I say good night until my results are in.

I am blessed! I got this!

So I haven’t posted in a sometime. Between vacation, catchup from vacation, work and Dr. appointments I have been a little distracted. But now I have been asked to post. Well actually my therapist said I should journal. She states that journaling helps a person release emotions and energy. I told her I hate to journal so I will blog.

During my session we talked about my current events, health, family, vacation and the death of my cat. I laughed and said, I really didn’t like her much but boy did I cry when she died. I told her I knew it wasn’t her death that made me cry. It was the grief of my fathers death. She then asked if I have given myself time to grieve. The smart ass that I am, said you want me to schedule time to grieve? She replied yes! She stated that one should block some time to sit a grieve the lose. This way one doesn’t burst out in tears for no apparent reason. So I guess I will have to block some time out.

We did discuss other emotions such as the concern I have that I will be having a six month check up on Tuesday. I told her I knew I am still NED but what bothers me is that I am having a CT Scan and not an MRI or PetScan. Then the tears came. She asked why and I said, I have to fight just to get the right test when I have already fought through so much. We talked about not making a pity party but call the Dr. and discuss my concerns. So I did exactly that and of course these test and types of test are all based on insurance. The insurance companies won’t pay for another Pet-scan. So I have to start with a CT Scan. It is just so crazy. I mean the mammogram and sonogram didn’t show my first tumor. And my tumor markers where normal. I just hate that the insurance companies are dictating what should be done and not my Dr. And on another note, I know we need to find a cure but we also need to find out why this is happening. Why is it that one in eight women will get breast cancer. Why is it that one in four people will get some form of cancer. I just don’t get it. So for now, I will continue to fight for myself, block time to grieve, blog and start adding one healthy habit a week.

Oh on another note, saw my radiologist oncologist and she is very happy with the radiated skin. I also lost five pounds. It’s a start.

I got this! I am blessed.

As I lie awake at 12:43 with thoughts in my head I try to remind myself this too shall pass. I had the most enjoyable day with my hubby and friend. We drove to St. Augustine for the day. Then as we returned home and I sat on the couch I began not to feel well. Between my feet hurting and my body feeling achy. So I sat back and relaxed as my friend cooked a spectacular dinner. She made chicken with mushrooms over angle hair pasta. It was so go I over ate. I mentioned I didn’t feel well so Juan gave me an alka seltzer. After dinner Tracee and I watch some senseless tv until we both feel asleep. Around 11 I woke up and said, time to go to bed. So I got ready for bed, took my chemo pills and laid down. My feet started to burn and ribs started to ache and my mind just started racing. In my mind I thought this was the second week of being on my meds and I would be off next week. So this pain in my feet and hands would go away. But then I looked at the calendar and nope I was wrong. I have another week. Once again my mind runs crazy. All the thoughts just running in my mind. So I pray, I asked God to heal me, to take these aches and pains away. I asked God to comfort my husband that has been so awesome through this all. I wipe my tears from my face and hope that I can fall a sleep at a reasonable time. . but it is 1am and I am blogging. Blogging to get this out of my head and to hopefully some day help someone else.

So for now I will say, this too shall pass!

I am blessed! I got this!

Yesterday was my oncologist visit for being on Xeloda for 3 cycles. Remember it two weeks on and one week off that constitutes a cycle. I know they would want to draw blood and flush my port. So as all the wonderful nurse greeted and mentioned how nice my hair is growing back. I requested Caroline to access my port. She walked in and we all felt pretty good she was gonna get it the first time. She said are we doing 3/4 inch needle and I said sure. We’ve done it before. So she cleans the area, then sprays me with cold spray. They call me the ice queen. I have them spray till it is all white. She pressed down on the port and inserted the needle. Flushed the port and I knew she was in as I tasted the saline. Then she drew the blood. She went to exchange the tune and the blood stopped. She asked me to breath deep and as I did a little more blood came out but then stopped again. She said let’s do the 1 inch needle and I of course said, sure. I said my prayer and closed my eyes. She iced me again and as she counted 1,2,3 I felt my entire left are go numb. I said oh no it hurts. She stopped and pulled the needle out. Seems that she hit a nerve. CRAY CRAY!

So after I comforted her and told it was ok the Dr came in. She says I am doing well but would like to get me CT scans. She wants to be aggressive for the first two years. Says that if I stay clear for two years I have a good chance or survival. She mentioned that Aetna will not cover the Pet-scan but they will the CT scan. I have so many mixed emotions.

So I then go to the store to exchange some clothes and the wonderful sales lady tried to help me find a dress. I told her thank you but I’m in a transition phase and nothing truly looks or feels good. She notice my lymphedema sleeve and said it was cool. Then she mentioned her mom had cancer. So we started to talk about the cancer. Her mom was first diagnosed in 2016 had a double mastectomy, radiation and chemo. I asked her what type and of course triple negative like me. I then proceeded to ask her how she was. Her eyes teared up and the skin on her arms had goose bumps. She looked up at me and said she now has brain cancer. She said I was hoping you wouldn’t ask. I reached over the counter grabbed her hand and said, it is ok. I told her I was sorry hear that but it was ok. So as I walked out I held my tears and thought holly shit here I am fighting a battle and yet comforting others.

As I get in my car a college of mine calls and asks if I could speak. She has an employee that was just recently diagnosed and is overwhelmed. So naturally I said yes and I spoke with her. The lady was denied a Petscan because she had to pay $1800. I just don’t get it! These costs are outrageous. So we spoke a little and I told her she could call me anytime. I felt happy in speaking with her and hopefully I made her feel somewhat better. Then I realized a few things. One we all have our own journey to walk and we all need to not judge one another but be there to give that helping hand. Even in times when we need it most. Every interaction with someone is an interaction that can save a life, put a smile on their face or just for those fives minutes feel connected to someone. I also realized that I have to get out there speak to other women. I just have to find how and in what forum! God I am so blessed! Even through this journey I have so much to give! We all do, if we can only put others first.

I am blessed! I got this!