Journey through My Cancer

Today I started my day with a visit to my oncologist. Everyone was very pleasant and welcomed me back as I haven’t seen them in 6 weeks.

The nurse walked in and said she needed to draw blood. I told her ok draw from my arm. She said no we need to draw from the port. I freaked out and told her no. She said the port needs to be flushed every 6 weeks. I said well it hasn’t been since 12/26/18. So then we discussed whom would access my port. We agreed that Caroline from infusion would do it.

I started to tear up and did the sign of the cross. I believe the tearing up was both fear and flash backs of chemo. Nurse Caroline walked in and used a 1 inch needle. She cleaned the site, sprayed cold spray then pushed the needle in. Nothing happened. Then she adjusted it and both Juan and I herd a pop. She was in and was able to draw blood and flush the port! Success!!! Dr. Ajaz came in and talked to about the next phase. Chemo pills for 18 weeks. Two weeks on and one week off. Six cycles of this. She kept telling me to go on vacation. That I can travel while on the pills. We also discussed reconstruction and being put on a trail. Dr. Ajaz was very positive said I have lost weight. 7 lbs, much more to go! She even mentioned my hair growing back. We discussed having a scan and she said we would do it in July/August. There is still much more to happen. But I am on my way.

Then off to radiation. Today was my first boost radiation. They said it would only be in the breast area but it is getting a portion of my armpit. I was hoping it wouldn’t as the Dr. said it wouldn’t. The skin under my armpit is raw. They couldn’t even mark my skin. They even prescribed pain killers. It is painful but I know I am at the home stretch. I did have a few moments today of just giving up! Not wanting to continue and just saying I am done. It hurts just to take a shower. It hurts to put the cream on. Then you have to take the cream off prior to radiation and that hurts. Whomever said radiation is no big deal obviously didn’t get radiation like I am having….

FOUR more sessions and I am done! I am so grateful to have such a great support system!

I am blessed! I got this!

Yes, I call radiation shake and bake! Shake, cause this cancer has shaken my world and bake because you bake from the inside out. People say that radiation is easier then chemo. What I say is that it is totally different. One is not easier or harder then the other. The skin under my arm is black and peeling. My entire chest is red. I’ve lost my voice and have to take meds for the soar throat and ear ache. My skin is so raw that I feel it will split open any minute. The good news is tomorrow is my last session for the arm Pitt area and back. I will have my last five sessions concentrating just on my chest wall. My count down has started! Whoop whoop!

I am blessed! I got this!

21 sessions completed 9 more to go! Dr. Still says all looks good. Skin will start to peal soon she says. And only four more sessions that will continue to affect my throat. The last five sessions will be a boost that concentrated on my chest wall.

I actually felt ok Friday. I remember Thursday feeling like I could just lay on the floor waiting for radiation. I was so tired I recall thinking, “damn if I had a pillow I would lay down on the floor”. It is crazy how it can hit you at anytime. I hope the next nine session aren’t bad. Then hopefully a little break before I start the next phase of this journey.

It is amazing how many phases there is. What I have learned for sure is that you have to roll with the punches and try not to plan to much out. When you think you have a game plan in order the plan changes. Another thing that’s been on my mind is all the people that say they are cancer free after treatment or surgery. The truth is that we are not cancer free. We are NED (No Evidence of Disease). I remember wanting to post so badly that I was cancer free after my DMX (double mastectomy) and my oncologist said no you are NED. And explained it. So for now I am a NED cancer survivor! I’ll take it!

I am blessed! I got this!

Twenty sessions done, ten more to go! The good, the bad and the ugly. The good is that the Dr. says my skin looks good! She’s cray cray but I’ll trust her. The bad is they are scheduling me for the last week boost! Can’t wait. The ugly, is that radiation has been hurting my throat. I finally have given in to the notion that it is not from being sick or stress. Since they are radiating so close to my heart and throat you can actually see it on my skin how close they are. So the Dr. has sent a Rx for a lidocaine to numb my throat. Used it last night and got some relief.

I can’t explain it but since Monday each time I start the drive to radiation I get an overwhelming sadness feeling. I guess it is a sadness of disbelief and maybe a little self pity. But as I drive I remind myself that each day is one less session to come. I also remind myself that this is all temporal and the sun is shining. I did break down last night for a few minutes. I think I was just tired. After radiation I decided to run some errors. I went to the post office and went to the seafood market. Then I went to pickup the Rx at this speciality Pharmacy as CVS did not have the ingredients to compound the Rx. By the time I got home the throat pain and ear ache was unbearable. I went straight to bed. My dear and loving husband came to comfort me. And I just started to cry. I told him that I was tired of being sick and taking pills. He held me and told me he wish he could take it all away. This cancer has do a lot to us. But what I do know for sure is that it has made us a “Power Couple”!

So as I remind myself that it’s ok to cry, hurt and feel loved I am blessed. Blessed that God has put so many people near and far to help me fight this battle. Blessed that he has taken the selfish, rude and no caring people away from me so that I can heal.

For now, ten more sessions to go then on to the next stage!

So today marks my 3rd week of radiation. I can’t say enough about the radiation team and how comforting they are. From always being on time to just asking how are you doing and meaning it. On Monday, 4/1 when then asked how was your weekend? I told them about the passing of my father. Then after the session was over they handed me a gift bag with chocolate and socks. He said chocolate makes everyone feel good and the socks were for comfort. A small gesture but a meaningful one.

On Fridays I get to see the Dr and she exams the skin and breast. She told me today that it looks great. I told her “REALLY”? She said yes that people get worst. So I am grateful!

I am a bit fearful for the following weeks as the skin is red and starting to burn and feels uncomfortable. I have another 3 weeks and the last week has a boost! So for now 3 down and 3 more to go!

With all that has occurred I am still holding onto my faith. I may question, I may get angry but I do know that I can’t do this alone.

I am blessed! I got this!

I haven’t blogged in a while. It has been a few weeks filled with anxiety and fear. From CT Scan and X-rays to dry runs for radiation. I actually had to take something for the first two sessions. Then by Wednesday I was fine and became a pro.

This huge machine is my date for the next five weeks. Yes every Mon-Fri, I will lay down and hold my breath for 20 seconds for each radiation beam. It takes about 10-15 min to place me in line with the green beams and red lights. I call it the “honey I shrunk the kids” lights. Then I get six separate hits of radiation. I am told to breath and let it out then breath and hold for 20 seconds. This is to prevent the beam from hitting my heart. Talk about fear. So I close my eyes and pray. Every other sessions they place this silicone sheet over my breast and side and do the treatments.

The Team their is awesome we have actually began to make jokes. Tony and Mayra are the ones that set me up everyday. I asked them if they went school for this and they said, yes-college. Then Mayra walked in and said no it’s a 4 week course and I told her you sure it isn’t a YouTube video. A little humor goes a long way through this crap.

I read this blog today about someone’s eulogy and I have heard it before but it resonates in me today for many reasons. It’s speaks about the birth date and end date on a tomb stone. In short it isn’t about the start or end date but the dash in between. It is how we live and want to be remembered. So with that being said live every moment with gratitude and love! I want my dash to be filled with so much.

I am blessed! I got this!

Yesterday was my radiation mapping. This is how they come up with my personal radiation plan. Where to make me for each radiate beam to hit my body. As I walk into the center, I was greeted by two radiation techs, Tony and Victoria. Very sweet people as they both told me they would talk me through the process. Victoria brought out her camera and said I have to take a picture first. This is to identify you and put it on you profile. As soon as she said that The tears started. I am not sure why the tears began. If it was seeing that CT scan machine, her taking the picture or just the process that brought the tears. I apologize and we got started.

I was told to undress from the top and to leave my pants on. I had to show another two strangers my scars and body. They laid me down on the bed and I had this blue canvas behind me. This canvas was filled with tiny little beads. They created this cast that I would use to lay on everyday for six weeks.

Once they created this cast they marked me up. Covered my scars with tape and put marks on my body. Then they rolled me in the machine several times. All to make sure they were getting the correct angle.

Then Dr. Swanik came in and explained that they would now scan me to confirm all is correct for the radiation beams. She saw my tears and asked if I was ok. I told her yes just a little emotional. So they stepped out of the room and start the scan. Then we practiced breathing. I had to take a deep breath and hold it for 20 seconds so that my heart moves to the left away from the radiation beam. We practiced twice.

Then came the tattoo. Yes, three little freckle tattoos. One on the left side by my ribs, the right also by my ribs and the right breast. Each little prick hurt except for the one on the breast. I still have little sensitivity.

It was done. Then the Dr. came in and said I would start radiation on 3/20. She would create my plan and she mentioned that the wrapping/compression is working that she didn’t see any fluid build up.

I was then given an ID card and walked out. As soon as I walked out of the building I cried. Cried like a baby. Again not sure why. But I needed to get out of that building! I couldn’t get out soon enough. It was crazy for sure. All the emotions and feelings overwhelmed me. Yes, I know it is the next step of the healing process and it will be fine. I guess I just hate the process.

As I write this blog, I remember asking if they would find anything on the ct scan if they would let me know. I guess my emotions are the fear that it can come back. I have had several nights that I can’t sleep thinking each little ache or pain is the cancer coming back. I talk myself out of it but it seems to hit me worse at night before bed.

It is like living a silent hell. So I pray and I thank God for one more day. I thank God for all the support I have. How I am surround by so many beautiful and caring people. I thank God that I wake up each morning hearing the beautiful sound of birds. And I ask God to keep healing me and my family from this ugly disease.

I am blessed! I got this!

Dear Cancer,

You have entered into my life. Not by choice but by demand. You have forever changed me, my thoughts, my fears and my love.

You have changed my relationships. Teared some apart, brought some closer and rekindled others. I have learned that through the years I have met some wonderful people. People that have showed me compassion. You have taught me not to judge others. And I have learned that you impact others in so many ways. While others react to you in so many different ways.

I have been told to rest and relax as this is my time. But my time has always been being a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. This is not what I want as my time. But my true time will come.

You have made me find beauty when beauty was hard to find. I have learned that hair, weight and over all looks do not define you. It is your inner self and grace that make you feel beautiful. But let’s not kid ourselves, you have made me look the worst ever, although temporal.

So to you Cancer, I say screw you! I would say something else but I am keeping to being graceful! You have hurt so many and will continue to do so but you won’t take my life!

I am blessed! I got this!

I sit across Juan today waiting to see the plastic surgen to get these drains removed. I look back at as he had made every appointment with me. Sat by my side when I cried and and has stayed positive . He has seen beauty when I can’t. I know he adores me and would take this all away. He has been my rock!

The heart rock pictured above was from my trip to Greece 2016. When I saw it, I knew I had to give it to him. It just another symbol of our love.

Together we got this! I am blessed.

It has been almost 9 weeks post chemo and look. Those are my real eyebrows with a little assistances to darken them but checkout my eyelashes,100% mine. With the those hairs comes a little stragglers. Chin hair is back! Lol You just got to add a little humor to this crazy cancer.

I am blessed! I got this!