Journey through My Cancer

So last week I meet Dr Swanik at the Lake Mary Orlando Health office. The office and atmosphere was nice and along with the Dr and the nurses. When the Dr walked in she explained the process and told me they might need to reduce the expander on the left breast to get to the right. She talked about radiating the chest wall, axillary lymph nodes and nodes near the collarbone. So I asked her why reduce? And I was told that I would be expanded then radiated. She stated, “no, We need to do radiation first. Your health first then cosmetic second!” I totally agreed but why the change. So she said she would consult her colleagues. Then she examined me and said I was good. Made the mapping appointment for 2/27.

As I walked out I told Juan, “wtf, am I her first BC patient that she has to consult her colleagues”? Juan agreed and said he had to keep his mouth shut. I felt so disappointed and confused. I called both the plastic surgeon and my oncologist. The plastic surgeons office explained it much better and my oncologist also explained. Since I am triple negative and now metaplastic they need to radiate between 4-6 weeks post op. It is a very aggressive cancer. Only one percent t of BC patients have it. So we have a switch of plans. I will remain flat during radiation and afterwards to heal. The skin might not extend as well so we will see. Then most important part is my health. My seatbelt is on for this roller coaster ride!

So fast forward to yesterday! My 3rd post op exam. The goal was to remove the remaining two drains. Well that didn’t happen! I still have to much fluid draining so I have to wait for next week. I also discussed my swelling after walking or having my feet down. They said it was my diet: wtf! I also gained 5lbs in a week. So I am officially 34lbs heavier. This shit is out of hand and crazy. I asked for blood test to make sure my kidney function was fine along with my liver. They said prior to surgery all that was fine. Well I am not worried about prior to surgery. So they said to go to my primary. That I was fine. So drains in and I have to increase my fluids and stop eating so much pasta!

What a freaking day, ride, last 8 months! You got to be strong or you will go crazy. But I will say sometimes you get tired of being strong!!!!!

I am blessed! I got this!

As I sit and reflect on Tuesday’s Dr. visit all I can think of is for 2 hours I actually felt relief.

The process was surreal and weird to say the least. I was so worked up and worried about the removal of the drains and the expansions. The PA walked in and started asking me questions. I felt like she wouldn’t stop talking. Then she mentioned her mother and helping her with breast cancer. And she still wouldn’t stop talking….. She then asked about my emotions and meds. My eyes teared up a little. I felt like saying well it isn’t everyday that you have your breast removed, be told your cancer mutated. But I was nice and allowed her to speak. Come to think of it I don’t think she would have stopped speaking. Then she asked if I have gone to any support groups. I said yes and the first time I wanted to slit my wrist. It was doom and gloom! I don’t want that or need that. I told I need a positive group not one of anger and dispare. Then she mentioned the support group at the hospital. And talked about anxiety meds. As she walked out I asked Juan, “what the hell, do I look depressed”? He said no she is just trying to help.

So I took it for what it was worth. Then two more nurses walk in. One on each side of me. They said they would expanded me with 120cc. They put this magnet on my chest and marked the spot for the needle. I had two purple “x” on my breast. Then they said on the count of three we will insert the needle. 1,2,3, I didn’t feel a thing. Then you see these huge tubes filled with saline. I felt like Chester the mad scientist was coming around the corner. Again, I really didn’t feel a thing. They gave me instructions and off I go till next week.

I remember telling Juan, “wow, I actually feel better with two drains out. Can’t wait to remove the other two”! So we decided to go to dinner. We went to this really nice Italian restaurant. Not sure why but this whole cancer thing has me craving Italian a lot. Nevertheless, as we walked in Juan noticed a fellow coworker. We said hello and sat down. Our meals were excellent and as we got ready to pay the waitress said the meals were paid for. His co worker had picked up our tab. It was such a nice surprise. And then the pressure set in. I felt like I had a belt squeezing the top of my chest. Came home and took my meds. Overall it was a win for me. I know once these drains come out I will feel better to continue this so called fight.

I am blessed! I got this!

Today I got to see my favorite oncologist, Dr. Bursha Ajaz. We discussed the surgery findings and she explained basically want Dr. Mamounas did last week. There is (NED)no evidence of disease. We can not say I am cancer free until I stay NED for 5 years. The pathology report stated that my triple negative BC had shown signs of metaplastic disease. So there was a mutation of cells that became metaplastic. Both cancers are very aggressive. I asked for percentages of reoccurrence and survival but she said she wouldn’t go there! To say a percentage would not determine anything. We need to focus on the next steps. So I will start radiation as soon as the drains are out and I am healed. According to Dr. Ajaz, radiation is her insurance that all the cancer is gone.

I am staying positive and focused! There is still so many steps to fighting this battle but I know that I will continue to beat it. I have such great support from family, friends and colleagues.

On the more positive side of things, eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back! Whoop Whoop!

I got this! I am blessed!

It is amazing how your emotions can change by the minute. The last two days I have been sad, angry and frustrated. I have gone from, why to what the hell from one minute to the next. Then I took a nap and woke up thinking ok. Time to put your big girl panties back on and get on a plan.

This week when I went to see my surgeons I wanted to announce that I am cancer free! But I can’t. Yes all the visible cancer was taken out. Only one of the ten lymph nodes showed cancer and I still had 10mm cancer tumor in my breast. The goal was to go to surgery cancer free but that was not my case. So this will mean more chemo, then radiation and recon. They are also trying to put me on a trail. So although I wanted so bad to say I am cancer free and I am a survivor, I can’t! But then I was reminded that as long as I am alive I am a cancer SURVIVOR!

I decided to take another week off, since I have two Dr.’s appointments and want to give myself some time to get my head straight. On Monday I have to see my oncologist, Dr. Ajaz. I will hopefully leave with a game plan. A plan that can change by the minute and I am not in control of. On Tuesday I get to see the plastic surgeons PA and get 2 of the 4 drains taken out and get fills (can’t wait). one thing I have realized through this process is that we/I tend to worry about the process and how I will make it. To then realize I made it. By the grace of God those worries and concerns are put aside by a calmness that only God can grant. I reflect back to when I was concerned about the diagnosis, then the surgical procedure for the port, then the chemo, loss of my hair, MRI, double mastectomy. You name it every step has been one that I have taken with concern, sometimes fear but always with faith. I do not by any means think it was foolish to feel the way I did but I do realize that the human body is much stronger than we think. With God, a positive mind, and support, I can fight this battle.

Today I woke up in tears! I woke up hoping this was all just a bad dream. Bit this bad dream is my realty. As I wipe my tears I remind myself that I am lucky to be alive. Although I am very grateful I have to admit that I am sad today. I am so disfigured and my body has so many different feelings. The tingling, some numbness and pain. The feeling that I still have breast and then realizing I don’t.

I know all this is temporal and the goal is to be cancer free. But in the moment there are so many emotions. We have to find a cure. There is way to many people suffering from cancer. Everywhere I turn if it is not a commercial for some cancer med it is news of someone else who has been diagnosed.

I have been able to fight by the grace of God, the support of my family, great friends and colleagues! I am so blessed! I thank every single person that has reached out. The kindness and love that I have received has been so overwhelming! It has made this fight just a little more bearable.

I got this! I am blessed!

What I remember most about Monday, was when the Ana’s anesthesiologist walked in prior to surgery and asked me if I had any questions. I said “I don’t have questions but I do want to tell you about wind pipe. So I proceeded to tell him about past complications”. The Dr said well we are doing laposcipic surgery. I said, no I am having a Double mastectomy! The poor guy didn’t know what to say at that point. Under normal circumstances I probably would have had a fit. But I didn’t and accepted his apology. Then he proceeded to tell me how the first 24 hours are crucial with pain meds. All I could think was, wow, what and idiot and thank God Juan wasn’t there.

So then both of the surgeons walk in and we discuss the operation. Dr. Klein the plastic surgen got his sharpie (yes a sharpe) and starts to draw on my entire chest. It was like art work. Then he wrote yes in three spots. I guess with what happened with the anesthesiologist marking your spot is vital!

I remember waking up and seeing all the post nurses. I didn’t feel like they where happy to be there. I even thought they didn’t do my drains right. But they did!

The nurses on the 9th floor where awesome. I asked to look at my chest because I thought I had to much swelling and it looked weird. Then checked and actually said it was beautiful. I thought they are cray cray….

The next morning meet with the Surgen and PA for the plastic surgen. I was out by 10:45 am. Thank God for all my support because I was not ready to strip/milk my drains. So I have a total of 4 drained Two on each side. My sister helped with draining them and recording the fluids. She was so nervous but she got it done. Then I took my gown off and look in the mirror. It was very emotional. What I saw in the mirror was a new me. One I don’t like. I know with time it will all change. So for nowI have to grin and bare it!

Overall I am pleased with my surgeons and pray that all will continue to go smoothly as possible.

I got this! I am blessed!

With God’s grace today I will be cancer free. I say goodbye to a part of me. A part that does not define me but was a fun part of me. A warrior explained it well to me. She said she was always A voluptuous women and enjoyed her breast. She loved to be touched by her husband and enjoyed her breast. She no longer has that.

So as I sit for my name to be called I do feel sadness for the loss but I also know that this step is important to my survival. A cancer free survival!

I am comforted to know that God is in control. I am supported by friends, colleagues and family.

On the flip side, my eyebrows are on point!

I am blessed! I got this!

I always try to stay positive but I will not sugar coat it. Yesterday sucked! Below is the picture of the Savi scout. The bottom right item next to the dime is what they insert(very small)!

As I sat in the radiology room waiting to be called a lady came and said they were running behind and it would be another 30 min. She said she understood they couldn’t do it the day before and apologized. And if you know me, I said, “ok, it’s fine!”

Then about 30 min later a male tech introduced himself and said he would be working with Dr. Gross. He hands me a gown and starts to say that he has never seen the Savi scout placed with a ct machine. And that this procedure was fairly new to him. He explained how the Dr would use the Ct machine to guide him with the needle.

So in comes the Dr. and explains it. I sign the consent form and they roll me into the CT machine. Grant it it does not hurt. But the machine is so intimidating! They roll me in and out about 3 times and then he marks my skin. Rolls me out says you will feel a pinch like a bee sting. Well I have never been stung. But ok. Then rolls me back in and out another 2-3 times. Inserts the Savi scout rolls me in to confirm location and then back out 2 more times while pushing the Savi scout in. Again no pain just discomfort.

Then he says I need a mammogram to confirm placement. So with my hospital gown and jeans on (no bra) this tech walks me from the north side of the hospital to the south side. Now remember I finished chemo on 12/26. My energy isn’t like it use to be. I felt like we were walking a marathon.

I get the the mammogram desk and say, Hi Hernandez, and go to show her the wrist band. She says what procedure are you having and I lost it! I cried like an ugly cry and walked away into the bathroom. I gathered myself and came out. The lady was gone but the others said she’ll be right back.

So she came back and of course I apologized! She walked me the the spa area(No spa). Then I was called in by the mammogram tech. Once again name and DOB. She explained everything and all I wanted was to get out. Finally the pictures were taken and I was good to go.

What an emotional roller coaster. Then head back home and worked to 7:35 trying to get things organized.

I know I am blessed but WOW! If this is how I feel today can’t imagine Monday.

We start the day with a Savi scout procedure. As I enter the women’s center I am greeted by a very kind lady that said, “welcome to the women’s center where you will get a locker and a gown”. For a minute, I thought wow just like going to the spa. But you don’t get slippers! Lol! You just have to laugh or this will get the best of you. I did wake up today a little unsure but overall I do feel ok! I continue to thank God for all my blessings and that he is in control.

So, no savi scout today. Dr. didn’t feel confident with the ultra sound and wants to do it with CT Scan. Well, it is what it is! Can’t do it today cause I have three more appointments. Next appointment Dr. Mamounus pre op. Brady was very pleasant explain the procedure again and reviewed the drains and how to strip the tubing. FUN TIMES!

Next appointment is Dr. Klien’s pre op. Any remember the PA name. All I remember is she said they would not do the surgery because my A1C was high. I said, “hell no, I am not doing a mastectomy then coming back for expanders”. Then I apologized for snapping and she said, “it’s ok, I understand.” I quickly thought, you don’t understand and go talk to Dr. Klien cause I have had my diabetes under control until chemo and steroids! So she did speak to him and he cleared me for surgery. Said he will put micro beads in that are antibiotic beads that dissolve.

So next appointment General pre op. Once again state your name and DOB! Ugh…. Chanel the RN was awesome. A little OCD with germs but whatever. Blood work done, EKG done and spoke with anesthesiologist.

What a day! Love the hubby for being with me. He has totally stepped up to the plate. I am blessed!

So a day later, sitting in Radiology room for my saviscout. Doing this one alone but I know God is with me. I feel a bit stronger physically but the mental aspect is clearly being challenged. As the days get closer I do have my moments but I must say I am calm. At least today. We will see how the next few days go!

Good news is I have a few eye lashes coming in. Seeing more spots on my skin and if you look at my hands I look like I am 80! But I am grateful because I know it could be worse, a lot worse.

I am blessed! I got this!

Alright it has been real since day one! Went to the surgen on Tuesday and discussed the procedure. I will be having a skin saving procedure. All I can say is that after 5 minutes of talking I felt like the Charlie Brown scene with the teacher (wha wha wha wha wha). Then I kicked back in gear and discussed the lymph nodes.

I will have a Saviscout put in on 1/23. This will help detect if cancer is in the other lymph nodes so that they can be removed.

Funny how the Dr said “don’t worry about the surgery you just finished chemo and that was difficult, Surgery isn’t.” I told him easy for you to say as you do this all the time but you are taking a piece of me away.

Reality is we identify ourselves with things that aren’t whom we truly are deep down. Trust me I still have my moments. But our hair doesn’t define us and neither does your body. We are much more then the physical being. People might see us in different ways. The people that truly know you, know you for more than your hair, boobs or any other physical attribute. Yes we all want to be attractive and feel good. And yes I don’t want scares and look like the scare crow from the wizard of Oz. For today, I feel that one day I will look at my scares and be proud. Be proud that I fought and beat cancer.

I can write this now but I have moments of fear that creep in and I think nope I am not having this surgery. Then I fight it and say bitch you are cray cray you have to, your cancer is aggressive!

So I rely on my five minute role and dig deep into my faith. I will be fine and I will be strong and show other women that we can fight cancer and that we must be our on advocate!

I got this! I am blessed.