Journey through My Cancer

This is what 20 sessions of chemo does! There are so many side effects that also come that you can’t see but you feel. But I wake up every morning thinking I feel ok. As the day goes on the weakness sets in. You learn to fight the negative thoughts and the days you can’t you reach out to friends. The journey doesn’t just effect one it effects many. From your loving husband, family and friends. But you still feel like the fight is only yours and only you can overcome it.

My MRI came back with no change from the last one on 10/8. As upsetting and confused I was my oncologist said it was good news. She said to stay positive that it showed no growth during chemo. That surgery will tell if the cancer is dead. So I guess it is another win until 1/28.

For now I remind myself that you have to make your own happiness. Enjoy what you have and live in the present!

I am blessed! I got this!

So today I went in for a Mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. What a day! When I left this morning I realized I left without the Rx they prescribed. So I figured I would rough it out. It’s amazing cause when I walked in the Mammogram waiting room all the ladies looked up saw me and looked down. I get the emotion 100%! But I felt like saying out load it is ok. But I smiled and kept on my way.

The technician for the mammogram was awesome. She talked me through and she even looked at my old records. I guess they have to. But she was awesome! Then back to the waiting room for the ultrasound.

This tech was also kind but not like the first one. Had all that lovely guck on me. Then back to get dressed and off the the MRI.

More paper work, more questions and now I’m hungry. They access the vein for the contrast and all is good. Juan showed up to sit with me. It was nice to have him there even though he really couldn’t go back with me.

In the MRI room there where two techs. A female and male. They saw I was nervous and asked if I wanted them to talk to me. I said yes. Then I told them I forgot the Rx. They said it would be ok. So then the tech hands me two orange pill like things. I got so happy then I realized they are ear plugs. We all laughed and joked about it.

So here I go lay down, boobs in this basket. Orange ear plugs and ear phones on. Jazz music on. Contrast tube on the right hand and emergency stop bottom on the left hand. And in I went.

I could feel my breathing labored so I started to pray. I quickly controlled my breathing and became calm. Funny thing was ear plugs and ear phones and you still couldn’t hear the music over the loud banging noise. A few times I wanted to hit the emergency stop but I stayed strong. Silly cause it doesn’t hurt but nonetheless overwhelming experience. Even if it’s the second time having one done.

So as I leave I got the email that I have new results in my que. So I log in and both the Mammogram and Ultrasound have benign findings. Now I wait for the MRI.

Small wins for sure! But it’s the small ones that add up. I can actually say I am starting to feel like there is a light at the end of this fight.

I am blessed! I got this.

Yesterday I received the results of my CT Scans and both came back with no additional cancer growth and the hematoma shrunk from 8cm to 4cm. This is all great news! So why when the Dr. told me I couldn’t feel any emotion?

The realty is this is a Win! And I should and do feel very grateful but I still have more test to do. Monday is MRI and Mammogram day. And truth be told the MRI was how they found the additional cancer in my lymph node. So as I enjoy the Win I am still cautious.

My friend told me celebrate! Celebrate today cause you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. If anyone should know that it should be me. Live in the present! So I am grounded and realize that yes this is a Win! Celebrate the Win as more Win’s are coming…..

My dream and hope is that every women take their health into their own hands and fight. Know your body. Test your self every month. Don’t wait for October to roll around. Do it monthly. And hopefully there will be a day that mammograms can detect BC with 100% accuracy. We are strong individuals and can beat cancer. I am sharing a letter to cancer that I received today from a friend that describes the fight!

I am blessed! I got this!

Every morning I wake up and feel alive and ready to concur what’s ahead. Then within 15-20 minutes, I am reminded that there is no norm. Another side effect kicks in and you try to ignore it. Then you realize, who are you kidding you are battling cancer and undergoing chemo treatment that for most would have been bed reden. I must say that December was the hardest. I believe the accumulation of the chemo finally reared it’s ugly head.

I have been bed/couch reden. Sleeping a lot. Numbness in my hands and feet like never before. I know have to take the meds 3x a day. Pain in my chest, is it heart burn or the chemo effecting my heart. I take an Alka-Seltzer and see.

All this while being told that the insurance will not cover a Pet Scan. Yes, the Pet Scan to show if this awful chemo treatment worked or didn’t. A Pet Scan to compare to the first one! You just can’t make this shit up! So instead they approve a CT Scan. It is amazing that we are living in a society that insurance dictates what you need and not your Dr. So now we can’t compare apples to apples! No wonder I feel nauseous and pain in my chest! It is so frustrating! The only good thing is I will have another MRI on 1/7 so we will be able to then at least compare one MRI to another.

I still remain faithful and truly blessed. And I do thank God for all the support I have. The true friends and family that are by my side! And I thank God for removing all the negative people from around me! I pray to be healed and I pray for a cure. My dream is that no one should have to go through this ever!

So I started my usual wind down process the night before chemo. And for the most part it started well. Went to visit Dad at the center. Don’t think he remember me until I said “hi Dad”. But I’ll take it. We played dominos and he did extremely well. Then we came home FaceTime with the great nephews and as usual Max was a blast to speak to. Then Juan and I watched some TV.

While watching TV this Tobacco comercial came on the Tv. This young guy talked about chemo and radiation. He talked about it feeling like your on fire, his Esophagus burning, and a few more choice side effects. I just sat there while tears came down. It was like, wth! I always equated as Chemo being the worst! So I decided I would need a little help sleeping and took a pill.

Went to the center this morning and again the nurse couldn’t draw blood. I told the nurse no worries draw from the arm and let’s get this started. She did. Then back I went as hubby walked with me to carry my bag filed with a loving blanket, Ice, computer and book. Started the procedure and 3 hours later I was done. I felt like I needed some closer and I needed to ring that bell. But the center doesn’t believe in the bell. So Juan and I headed to a local restaurant that I found on Yelp.

As we eat our lunch and talk about how lucky I am, that others have had it worse I look to the kitchen and what do I find?

A bell!!!! Really a bell!!!! So I asked the waitress if I could take a picture of it. It is my sign that I will be cancer free. My closure of this phase! Not looking forward to the next but it is what it is…..

I am blessed! I got this……

I’ve been told many times, “you are either are strong in your faith or in denial”. Well truth be told it isn’t denial. You see if I were in denial I wouldn’t prepare myself as I do. I wouldn’t have spent $$$ in a wig I never wore. Obtained a medical marijuana card, I still haven’t used, interviewed 4 plastic surgeons and so on.

We all have just one life here on earth and we chose to live it as we best can. Everyone reacts to cancer and their mortality in different ways and there is no right or wrong. I live it as best as I can with what I have at hand. I chose not to let it take me down the black whole. And yes I do allow myself “5 minutes” to cry.

My therapist even sent me this.

“Saw this quote and I thought of you – 

So yesterday started with a 7:30am Dr. visit to my endocrinologist, Dr. Victor Roberts. Due to all the chemo and meds my thyroid is outa wack and my diabetes is also extremely high 350 on chemo days. So my Dr. sat me down and made sure I knew that it was nothing that I was doing and that this will not be for ever. He was so pleasant but scared me as he spoke. He said you will have weight gain and feel bad. And all I could think yeap its already happened. Nothing new. But I do appreciate his concern and his time. So more insulin and more synthriod.

Then off to chemo. My oncologist sat with me and we discussed the finial two chemos. Whoop whoop!!!! So excited to be finishing that. She wants to do another Pet Scan to see if the I was responsive to the chemo and there is no more spread. She said she would request it and hopefully the insurance won’t deny it! Gotta love insurance!!!

On the bright side the nurse accessed my port and was able to draw blood on the first shot! I was so happy. It only took 14 chemo sessions to finally get it right. I took advantage and decided not to work this session and rest.

I then had a lovely visit from two coworkers, The Knabb sisters! What a joy to see them. Such good hearts! They brought me these beautiful roses.

Today I woke up and feel good haven’t felt this good in a while! So I’m enjoying it. Last week was hell and scary but that is the past and today is a great day. Two more sessions to go!!!! I got this! I am blessed.

Today was no different than any other session. We start with the debacle of accessing the port and not being able to draw blood. I asked for the nurse in the infusion center. She said she wasn’t going to use the one inch needle and would use the 3/4. In it went and it flushed fine but no draw.

So she said she would withdraw the current needle and reinterred the port but this time with one inch needle. Still no draw. I repositioned myself and raised my hand. I took several deep breaths and just like that blood came out. A CBC was ran and I was able to proceed with chemo.

As usual one hour of premeds and then one hour of taxol. I had set up my work station along with ice for my feet and ice for my hands. About 3/4 into the taxol breathing became shallow and painful. I decided I needed to mention it to the nurse and in seconds everyone was at next to my recliner including the Dr. they stopped the chemo took my blood pressure and said they would wait 15 min see if it subsided. After 15 min they rechecked my blood pressure and said they would start again.

Then one hour of carbo. Carbo went well. And off I went back to the house for my 1×1 with my boss and finish some work. By 5pm I received a call that my Dad has fallen. He hit his head and hurt his arms. So I had Lucas take me to the hospital. Dad looked well but a cut on his arms and a bump on his head. As I was sitting there I overheard the Dr tell the patient behind my Dad tell him that he had cdif. Cdif is an infectious desease with vomiting and diarrhea. I quickly put on a mask and texted my brother and sister and told them I could not be there. I waited for my brother to arrive. Dad is doing well but BP was high so they admitted him. The worst part is that I can’t be there. It sucks, but I can’t and I need to make sure my health is not compromised. My hope and prayer is that he can leave tomorrow.

On a positive side 3 more sessions to go!

Courage Is not the absence of fear!

I had a really good session with my therapist yesterday. Shut out to Maribel from Seasons Counsling! Another example that God is with me. When I first was diagnosed I knew I needed to find a therapist and a high school friend Dan Marcone had posted that he had opened a new office. Who would guess that a high school friend from Pembroke Pines would open an office in Orlando 30 min from my home. Nevertheless, Maribel has been by my side through my journey and yesterday we touched upon my personality and learning to heal myself and put others second not first.

As I sat on couch I rested my head back. She knew I was exhausted as I had just left from getting my Leukine shot to prep from Monday’s double chemo. I told her how Thursday sucked and was a bad day. I worked and had to take a nap. I’m not a nap person but I needed it. I spent the rest of the night in bed and only got up to eat dinner. I was so weak. All I could think was it was all in my head! So the next day I woke up and drove to the Dr.s for my shot. They pulled a CBC and it explained everything. My counts were so low that they couldn’t believe I was walking let alone driving.

So I got my shot and off to my next appointment. Then back to work. I wasn’t sure when the shot would get me but this time I had the ibuprofen ready.

I had planned a weekend stay cation at the Wyndham Grand Bonner Creek. Since last week was Juan’s birthday and we really didn’t do anything I figured let me call some friends and pull some strings and celebrate it right. We checked and I can’t explain how nice the front desk was. Vincent took his time and explained everything. He even said that at 9pm we would be able to see the fireworks from our balcony. I was excited.

So we went to our room and we had a beautiful welcome plater. We decided to go to dinner at the Deep Blue. Again very nice. I started to ache and the meds where in the room. We finished dinner and left. Just walking to the room was so painful. I took my clothes off and laid in bed. Tears rolled down my face as a moaned. Juan got me the meds and started to rub my back. Every joint in my body ached. I cannot explain the pain just that it hurt and hurt really bad. It was an ache that you never wished it upon anyone! As Juan rubbed my back the pain started to subside. All I could think about is all the people that feel this way throughout chemo and how fortunate I am that I only feel that way after my shots.

So I reflect back at my journey and realize that fear will come and go just as the pain will come and go. I remember the fear of losing my hair. And look, I rock it! The fear of chemo and it knocking me down. I also am rocking it, for the most part. I fear the surgery but I know I will also rock that.

I am blessed and cancer has been a gift. A gift that has shown me love, pain and understanding. There will always be a silver lining if you just give it chance and stay positive.

It was 4am and I woke up in tears. Tears of fear of what is next to come. I have been strong through the chemo for the most part and have been at peace knowing God is with me. But recently I feel a little distant and fear has sent in.

This journey has taught me a lot about myself and others. About cancer, faith, and mindset. I have learned that I am a number “2” on the ideogram. It says I am a healthy “2” but sometimes I wonder. I encourage everyone to take the test. It can truly help you understand yourself and why you do the things you do. I’ve learned that you can’t force people to be in your life that don’t want to be and to try to let that go. I have learned that some people are scared to reach out or talk about “cancer” and I can not judge them for that. I have learned that no one truly will understand my journey as it is mine to take!

And when it is all said and done I am reminded that God is with me. That fear will come but it will not stay. That in the moment of despair he will guide me. You see after the tears at 4am today I stayed up and just allowed so many thoughts to enter my mind. Then I started to read my emails and I read an email that is a daily devotional from a site called “Girlfriends in God”. It hit the spot. The reminder that I am not alone and that God will continue to guide me and heal me. I will have that peace again. And when fear creeps it’s ugly head again I will fight it!