Yesterday was my radiation mapping. This is how they come up with my personal radiation plan. Where to make me for each radiate beam to hit my body. As I walk into the center, I was greeted by two radiation techs, Tony and Victoria. Very sweet people as they both told me they would talk me through the process. Victoria brought out her camera and said I have to take a picture first. This is to identify you and put it on you profile. As soon as she said that The tears started. I am not sure why the tears began. If it was seeing that CT scan machine, her taking the picture or just the process that brought the tears. I apologize and we got started.

I was told to undress from the top and to leave my pants on. I had to show another two strangers my scars and body. They laid me down on the bed and I had this blue canvas behind me. This canvas was filled with tiny little beads. They created this cast that I would use to lay on everyday for six weeks.

Once they created this cast they marked me up. Covered my scars with tape and put marks on my body. Then they rolled me in the machine several times. All to make sure they were getting the correct angle.

Then Dr. Swanik came in and explained that they would now scan me to confirm all is correct for the radiation beams. She saw my tears and asked if I was ok. I told her yes just a little emotional. So they stepped out of the room and start the scan. Then we practiced breathing. I had to take a deep breath and hold it for 20 seconds so that my heart moves to the left away from the radiation beam. We practiced twice.

Then came the tattoo. Yes, three little freckle tattoos. One on the left side by my ribs, the right also by my ribs and the right breast. Each little prick hurt except for the one on the breast. I still have little sensitivity.

It was done. Then the Dr. came in and said I would start radiation on 3/20. She would create my plan and she mentioned that the wrapping/compression is working that she didn’t see any fluid build up.

I was then given an ID card and walked out. As soon as I walked out of the building I cried. Cried like a baby. Again not sure why. But I needed to get out of that building! I couldn’t get out soon enough. It was crazy for sure. All the emotions and feelings overwhelmed me. Yes, I know it is the next step of the healing process and it will be fine. I guess I just hate the process.

As I write this blog, I remember asking if they would find anything on the ct scan if they would let me know. I guess my emotions are the fear that it can come back. I have had several nights that I can’t sleep thinking each little ache or pain is the cancer coming back. I talk myself out of it but it seems to hit me worse at night before bed.

It is like living a silent hell. So I pray and I thank God for one more day. I thank God for all the support I have. How I am surround by so many beautiful and caring people. I thank God that I wake up each morning hearing the beautiful sound of birds. And I ask God to keep healing me and my family from this ugly disease.

I am blessed! I got this!