So today I had my first six month scan from being NED on 1/28/19. I am not sure I can truly express the emotions of today but I will do my best. I woke up at the normal time that I do every morning. My eyes opened wide but a deep sadness had overcome me. It was like having ten elephants sitting on my chest. I kept on giving my self 15 more minutes to get up until finally I couldn’t stay in bed any longer. I had my first bottle of barium to drink then another an hour later. The barium wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I cried and it was a stupid cry. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling or thinking as I cried but this time I allowed the tears to flow. I didn’t give myself the five minute rule. I acknowledged what my therapist had said, which was “allow yourself the moments of sadness. You have been through so much!” All I could feel was great sadness. Then it was time to leave. So I took a Xanax and drove off to my appointment. Still sad but no tears. As I pulled up to the center I noticed so many cars. I thought to myself what are they giving away. And then the anger creeped in and I thought to myself wow, so many people getting treatment for cancer. This truly sucks! I walked in and gave my name. I sat and waiting and in came my hubby. Or shall I say my rock! They called my name and of course he wanted to join me but couldn’t. We walked towards the scan room and it was like a walk to my death. Every step was breath I took. A breath to ease my nerves. I reminded myself that there is no way cancer is back. I am still under treatment and these scans will be negative. The tech explain the contrast and that it would take six minutes in total. I told if I cry its not that I’m in pain. She replied oh don’t worry I have men that cry because of pain, you are good. The machine started and I tried to channel my parents. I couldn’t. I even started to pray and couldn’t. I just couldn’t focus on anything expect for the stupid machine that was telling me to hold my breath. Then it was all done. The tech said do you know you have metal in your breast. I wanted to say really!!! Omg!! But I wasn’t in a playing mood so I explained that it is the expanders. I grabbed my purse and off we went to lunch. It was a silent lunch, neither Juan or I had much to say. I realized today that this journey has effected so many of my love ones. And I am truly sorry for that! I never wanted to bring sadness to my love ones. But unfortunately this journey secretly brings saddens to everyone around at times. So now I wait. Wait for the call and pray that Gods plan is inline with mine. Or shall I say my plans are in line with his! That the next steps are to finish these chemo pills and do reconstruction. And that the next 3 more scans will come clear. And each one after those. This is a terrible desease one that I wish we had more answers to. But for now I say good night until my results are in.

I am blessed! I got this!